6.23.2005

A lot of swearing follows.

That's it. I quit. I am so fucking tired of being so fucking poor. I am tired of relying on the kindness of others. I am tired of having a job and still being poor. My fucking phone got cut off today because I had to spend $700 on the fucking car this week. Fuck. I don't know how to do what I'm doing. I can see a clear path to success with my comedy, with writing, but in the interim I feel defeated and useless. I am doing so many shows, and working as much as I can, I can't use any more of my time because I will collapse. I need to sleep and eat. More useless stupid job days mean less comedy time. Which means less likely to succeed any time soon. I want to hit something.

I am so fucking frustrated that no one has answers for me. I was led to believe that grownups knew what the fuck was going on, but, apparently, this is untrue. Apparently I AM a grownup now and should be able to figure this out. HA! I am an idiot. Just last month I had a conversation with my roommates about being more reliable with rent, and now I'm looking down the barrel at not having it on time AGAIN. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why is it not satisfying to say fuck fuck fuck as many times as possible.

I had a mediocre set at El Cocal last night and I'm sure it's because I'm so fucking preoccupied with not knowing what the fuck to do. I have two shows tonight and I have very little faith that either of them is going to be any better. Fuck.

Does anyone have any fucking answers for me? Fuck.

r.

6 comments:

miss sara said...

that sucks big time. as for the phone issue--maybe a cell phone with a phone card could be the solution.

being preoccupied with the lack of money is a huge stress-i hate it, hate it, hate it. having the rent money late by a few days yet again, is better than not being able to get it all. still sucks. but we all go through periods where were are scraping the barrel--have to sell our beloved CD collection, hawk clothes etc (though that is hard in Van than in Victoria where they buy outright). anyway-the only saving grace is that it won't last. you will get through it. you could always apply at teligence communications and work in an office-get a regular pay cheque and stuff-but you might be even more miserable-being trapped in the corporate environment and feelin stuck-though it is a 24h/day operation which can leave room for flexibility- a lot of musicians, actors etc work here...

ummm. fuck. i really don't have *the* answer-as you can painfully see. but remember you are loved, lovable, lovely and loving--those are all good things, eh?

sigh

Infidelia said...

thanks, sara. i wish this made me feel better. i can't have a phone card cell phone, even more expensive. i realize i'm loved, even sometimes lovable, but it's not enough for me. i've tried the corporate office thing and it's no good for me. especially since it would be taking a pay cut...at the moment the flower delivery gig is the most lucrative thing going, so i would have to work even more hours for less pay. not a step i want to take. last year when i decided the thing to do was get a regular job i almost lost my mind. i was totally miserable. i need a little more flexibility. i know i'm kind of doing things the hard way, i just don't know what other way to do them.
r.

miss sara said...

awww. well it is good to know what works for you and what doesn't...as far as corporate vs. non and conventional vs. unconvential jobs.

sheesh. i wish i had and answer for ya!!!
xo

miss sara said...

awww. well it is good to know what works for you and what doesn't...as far as corporate vs. non and conventional vs. unconvential jobs.

sheesh. i wish i had and answer for ya!!!
xo

Sword Play said...

The short answer is grown ups don’t have the answer to how to make a successful living in comedy because it’s hard. Really, really motherfucking hard. It’s as rare as the outdoor swimming pool being open on Christmas.
Here’s another way to look at it? Why do people quit doing comedy? You must know people from years back who were gung ho and have now packed it in. Why did they? Others didn’t and kept at it, never mind if they’re successful or not. Why did they keep going. And of the two groups, which are you in?
Colin Mocharie went to LA with his wife (also a solid improviser) and had to sell all their CDs to make ends meet. I’m not in his league but I was doing shows in Victoria a few years back and had to get my girlfriend to sell my TV and guitar for food money. I’ve had says where I had to decide whether to buy an apple or a coke because I didn’t have enough money for both (I picked the Coke so I’d have the energy to do an evening show).
Being poor blows. But it’s part of the life. It’s the story you’ll tell on Conan and write in your autobiography.
About two years ago I was doing a Theatresports alumni show with Ellie Harvie, Scott Owen and Randy Schooley and we were talking about the comedy life and Randy said, “Well it’s too late to turn back now”. And it was so true we all laughed hard. We’re all in it for life. This isn’t just what we do anymore, this is who we are. If its who you are, keep going because you have to be who you are. Fighting that’ll kill ya. If it’s not who you are, then keep looking for what it is that’s your path.
Money woes blow but they’re not forever.

Infidelia said...

There is no question that this is who I am. No question at all. The reason I know that is because I know for sure that if I wasn't doing it I would probably kill myself. No kidding. I'll get there. Thanks for that.

r.