Ok. This is as naked as it gets. I am a useless piece of shit. I can not take care of myself. I haven't eaten in two days. I have no desire to eat. Or bathe. I had to force myself to shower this morning. I am crying and crying. I am so grateful to my roomates for taking care of me this past year, but it's clearly taken it's toll on them. I'm not wearing my glasses right now, so if there are errors, put it down to blindness and tears. And snot.
I'm being glib and I don't feel one bit glib. I feel like dying. That's the most honest I can be right now. I see what my horoscope meant by out of control. I feel very out of control right now. I can't see my way clearly.
I feel like I can't enjoy enything, and that any laughter I have experienced lately has been forced. I completely don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to work. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to eat. I don't want to fuck. How can I not want to fuck? All I want to do is curl up and expire quietly. I wish I had a feeding tube in so someone could just take it out.
I'm sure this sounds drastic. But I feel low.
And so fucked up.
And deserted. I feel very deserted. Please don't take this personally, I know you love me....it's deeper than that.
I want someone to check me in somewhere. I don't even want to go to therapy. I don't know how to get anyone to understand that I need help, but I don't know what to ask for. I need my dad. I need to be held by my dad. This fucking sucks.
I feel like my heart is shrivelling up into a husk. Like the rosehip that falls off after the petals have all withered and dropped.
I don't think I should put anyone through living with me anymore.
I don't even want to try to get it right.
I wonder how much I would have to be held to feel better. Enough to make up for all the time I haven't been held. That's a lot of holding. Who would be willing to take that on? No one in their right mind, that's for sure. I can't breathe. I mean, my nose is full of snot, but I also feel like my chest is full of lead.
I've got to get out of here before I do something stupid. I'm sorry if I do something stupid. I'm not very smart right now.