Gi' yer head a shake

I did. I did give my head a shake today. Had to. Was starting to go in circles in there. Here's what I thought of, and why. I thought about how sometimes I try to be what I think other people want me to be and then get all stressed out because I'm not being myself. And then resent them for wanting me to be something other than what I am. Even though it's only what I thought, not what they thought. I. Am. So. Weird. I thought about how I've done this for a long time. I don't want to do it. It's not as chronic as it once was, but it wasn't so present while I was on the meds. Every day, man, there's a new bit of old weirdness rearing it's head and demanding I finally deal with it. Which, I suppose, means I'm growing. Awww.

Why I thought of it. I was emailed the following a couple of days ago:

"The CBC is looking for a HOST for a new lifestyle show to air in January. The show will be a local guide to better living in the lower mainland. ... If you are enthusiastic...an entertaining interviewer...quick on your feet...a good writer, comfortable on camera, please apply!"

I want it. But I also just wanted to do the applying. Get all the stuff written and together, stuff I can use in the future for other things. And while I was working on THE LETTER this afternoon I realized how much I wanted them to want ME. Not for me to try to be what I think they want. How little point there would be in getting this not based on what I could truly deliver. I know. Simple. And then the thought ran around my brain and applied itself to the rest of my life.

I am constantly trying new ways to not panic. I am much, much better at it than I used to be. There is a freaking avalanche of things I am learning, and quickly. I am all the things I am, and my essence is good. I just have to keep the doubting synapses from firing. Oxygen seems to silence them. So breathing is very, very important.






Help each other out. Show your love.



Gumboots and snowboard socks. The winter footwear of champion west coasters.

There is snow here. Snow snow snow. I love the way everything moves in slow motion in the snow. I also love how this is just winter everywhere else in Canada, but here, a major event. Major enough to be news on the national CBC. Oh, the Ceeb. A friend has recently introduced me to a show called "The Great Eastern". If you don't know of it, you should really check it out. I'll post the link over there. ---> You know the spot. Funny and smart.

This same friend has been trying to help me get up and running on soulseex, or whatever the hell it's called. I can't quite get it to work.

You know what. I thought I was feeling articulate, but I'm not. Oooh, my brow was all furrowed and I didn't realize it 'til just now. I relaxed it and suddenly..peace. I had a sort of boyfriend once who used to press his thumb between my eyebrows, and make me untense there. He said it was impossible to be anxious when you stayed relaxed there. He was right. I use that a lot.

What on earth is she anxious about now? Oh, for Christ's sake. What amn't I worried about. It's good good to have work. There is a deadline looming for something, and I am a bit anxious about that. Trying not to be stupefied into inactivity. Big days tomorrow and Wednesday, trying to meet that deadline. I think it will entail leaving my house to get the writing part of it done. It is soooooo easy to get distracted in my room. Anyway, I've blabbed to a few people about this thing, which I want very badly, but think that it's really the application that's important. Putting together a self promotion package.

This is one of those moments. Where I am on the verge of something, and could really set myself back by not really trying, or I could just do the thing and do it well, and then no matter how it turns out, I am further ahead because at least I did the thing.

It is cold in my room. Haven't finished all the construction yet, so no heater. Although, not as cold as I thought it would be. But cold enough that this bed would be nice with someone else in it. Form a protective layer of heat between us and that icy night. Mmmm. That's a nice thought. The kind of thought that makes it very, very easy not to furrow my brow.

Just think about nice things, lady.

(I almost called myself by my own name there, and it was WEIRD. I don't think I have ever uttered my own name on this blog and it was alarming to see it almost entirely spelled out. I got the first letters down, but not the last letter. I stopped and erased it. It's like saying Rumplestiltskin or Betelgeuse, or something. Something would HAPPEN. I know most of you know who I am, but...God, I can't put my finger on it. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't use my name.)

Just think about nice things and everything will be okay. Try to flood your own brain with seratonin. On an as needed basis. Train myself to release happy juice. (Oooh, my kingdom for some red wine and chocolate)

Countdown to winter in the woods. Feeling excited, except for the part where I think I'm going to be underdressed. I all of a sudden have no puffy coat and no winter boots. I'm going to have to take a serious look at things. Layers. I have more than one puffy vest, so that's good. And many, many layers. Fleece is nice, but sometimes it's so dry up there that fleece gets staticky.

Why on earth am I talking about static cling.

I had the weirdest conversation with someone on the phone today. A fellow comic, who's on tour right now. I was sort of hoping he'd be back, because he's got access to a tape of a set of mine that I'd like...so I phoned him, and he answered, and I said who it was...(he knows me, that's important in this story)...so I said who I was and there was this long pause. Long. Bank line up long. Then he says, "Okay". And the tone made it sound like "Am I supposed to know? Or care?". And he was like that the whole conversation. It was awkward as hell. Comics are so awkward.

Do you guys know how much I love comedy? I love it so much. A girl at work (I know, it sounds weird even to me), was asking me today about my influences and stuff. And I had so much fun just thinking about all the comedy I listened to growing up, and what I liked about them as a kid, and what I like about them now.

So. Tomorrow. Just send me smart vibes, wouldja?




Well. Very good set, indeed tonight at Yuk Yuk's. I would have laughed if I was watching it. I realize that's when I feel like I've been good. If I thought it was funny. I know it makes sense, but I sort of lost track recently about why I wasn't feeling good about my sets, even if other people laughed or complimented me. I just didn't think I was funny. But then tonight...well...I was funny. It started last night, at the Alibi thing, but tonight. I have to ride this out. It's been a while since one felt like I was doing the right thing with my life. Tried the model jokes from last night. People liked them. And, fortuitously, someone was taping the show tonight. Also good. Been very lazy about taping sets. Or, perhaps I was reluctant due to not finding myself funny. Why would I want that on tape?

Good. Funny. Work coming. Good.




Well, last night was hilarious. Emceed and hosted a fashion show/fundraiser. A whole new scene, man. There were hors d'oeuvres...and do you know what I saw??? Models...EATING! Of course, there was a really long line for the women's washroom..(ooh, zing!) I told a bunch of model/eating disorder jokes last night, they seemed to go over pretty well. At first there was a bit of oohing, but then I said, "oh, are you guys feeling sorry for the models?" and they were all like, "yeah", and I was like, "because they've been such a marginalized people for so long?", and they were all, "...hahahahahahaha". So, I won them over. The microphone apparently ran on a 9 volt battery and it was dying as the show started, so, that's always good for a comic. A scratchy mike that's hard to hear. Sweet. Didn't stay for the party, couldn't quite stomach it. Packed in there. Good news was the show was short. Kept it moving.

Had to turn down work today. Had to make some smart decisions with regards to longer term planning. Could have taken jobs which started right now, but with very little long term usefullness, and would have conflicted with jobs that I have to wait a week or two for, but which will inevitably lead to future comforts.

Am going to the Caravan for the winter show there, so I'll be out of Vancouver around December 7th or so. Depending on how I plan to get there. How, indeed! Let's all keep our fingees crossed it's not going to be the Greyhound, but I bet it is. Whee. I gotta get all my winter gear together, too. Hm. Whatever shall I wear? It has just come to my brain that I don't actually have winter boots anymore. I wore out my Sorrels and my Emus. Hm. I suppose I could get some liners for my gumboots.

Sorry, that was the inside of my head for a second. Remember how pretty my writing has been lately on this blog? Yeah, remember that? Today, not so much.

Have a show at Yuk Yuk's tonight. 3 1/2 hours away and my tummy's already making a bit of a spectacle of itself...roiling around in there. Calm down, tummy!! We'll be funny! It'll be okay! Sheesh. It's only 5 minutes of my life. What can possibly go wrong? Ha. Ha. Ha.

I think I'll try to do the material about models. I enjoyed that. I wonder if it will translate. I gotta go and figure it out.




Another storm coming. Boil boil boil.

I had some big plans for this rainy, rainy morning. But the first thing that happened was that my mum called to deliver the sad news that our good friend Rodney Gage passed away. Rodney was a great presence in my life. He was this tall, gorgeous black man who played the pedal steel guitar like angels lived in his very fingers and toes, and when he would sing strong men wept. When I was born my parents held me and then he did. He loved telling the story and showing his great big hand and how I fit right in his palm. He was a bit of a shady character, and fostered complicated relationships in his life, not always tender or respectful of the feelings of those closest to him - his wife, Connie and his son, Joaquin. But we are all a bit broken, are we not? And everyone has their story, and makes their choices to live and die as they will.

Rodney had been ill for quite a while, at first being diagnosed with bladder cancer a couple of years ago, against which he fought valiantly. Chemo and more chemo. Then, a few months ago, they found brain cancer. He has been on a steady decline since. As far as I know he passed peacefully, at home, (ish, as much as home is where you hang your hat). He and my mother were very close and she is quite sad, though unable to come here right now as she is up to her eyes with the pending opening of her show. My heart goes out to her, since I know she would like to come down and be with Connie right now.

My own relationship to this passing is still out of my body. It has been a long time since Rodney and I saw each other with any regularity, but I did see him a few times a year. I think for both my brother and I it touches on the passing of our own dad, and makes it slightly confusing to untangle the emotions. Certainly this has not got my innards spilling out onto the ground, stinging and sharp, as the pain was with Phil. But the weather seems appropriate, and I think this is a more reflective kind of grief, a softer kind. Something more fond and sweet, less despairing.

The thing I have noticed about death is it's ability to bring people together. Phil's death had the lovely effect of reconnecting me with two old friends, and the connection continues. There is a woman I have been very close to in my life, and this year things fell apart. It has been a layered break up, and I think about it all the time. Not sure whether I am doing the right things, divesting myself of it, etc. But it has been what it has been. Rodney had a real fondness for her, as they used to see each other a lot at my family's house, years ago. He always asked after her and thought she was wonderful and lovely. So I called her today to tell her. We had a good, if slightly forced conversation, and we are going to see each other tomorrow. I'm trepidatious, but it will likely be sweet. I feel like staying guarded, but I know that that can sometimes make me icy, which I don't want to be.

I have also had several phone calls regarding work, which is heartening. Looks like I will be able to start at a couple of things this week, and have some interviews as well. And a couple of choices to make. Feast or famine, right?

So now I am off to the Bodyworlds exhibit at Sciencworld, which is an interesting choice for today.

Hug someone today, I know I will.

Peace, kindness.



Turbidity. Literally and metaphorically.

You know what really gets on my tits? MySpace. That friggin' site never works properly. I'm tired of having anything to do with it. Sigh. Another first world problem.

We have turbid water. Vancouver. You probably heard about it on the news. Cause when the water goes bad, that gives us all a little peek into the future. IGA ran out of bottled water today and told everyone there was a shipment coming at 9pm. Remember how people trampled each other for Cabbage Patch dolls? You could see the madness in their eyes. Two cases per person only! And the people wanted it, bad. You can't brush your teeth in mud, it seems. I kind of like saying turbidity. You have to take your time. You can't say it fast, mush it up, rush it. Which makes it really feel like what it is. Onomatopoeia for the masses.

Job seeking looking up. Have an assessment at a temp agency on Monday. Two hours of testing and interviews to determine what I'm appropriate for. Apparently they have plenty of light industrial work, which I'd rather do than reception. The more I have to deal with objects and the less with people, the happier I will be. Hoping they can put me to work right away cause....

My agency called yesterday to inform me they had fired my agent. Of course they did! Am marching down there tomorrow to make sure they put me on someone else's roster, cause this girl wants work and wants it bad. Course, christmas is coming and that's a sloooooow time in the industry, but, hell, I'll take work in January.

I'm going to try to get to sleep before midnight tonight. Pretty impressive, eh?

Don't drink the water.



Fighting the bug.

Okay. Am okay. Am eating garlic on toast, (two raw cloves in an effort to fight the bug), listening to hilarious and excellent "Ideas" on CBC radio. It's about the phallus in ancient Greece and Rome. Boy, if you thought men were obsessed with their members nowadays...wowsers. I'll tell you this, there's a lot of tittering going on amongst the people on this program. You'd think they could make an hour about penises and male sexuality on CBC without all these grownups covering their mouths and giggling every ten seconds. Interesting info, though.

One clove down. Ooh, can feel that in the belly. Whew. Nobody better come in my room in the next 12 hours. Stinkeroo.

So I was grouchy, but I just had to remember that I like my time alone and rest and not get sick. Yeah, no sickness. Or, rather, no MORE sickness.

And there you have it.

Oh, yay. Another storm on it's way. I love rain. Love it love it love it.

Remember last night when I was feeling like all was right with the world and stuff? That was a nice, fleeting moment.

Comedy is making me angry again. Got bumped from Yuk's tonight, even though I would have done it even though I can feel myself coming down with something. Bumped from Balthazar last night. Trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. Fighting my way upstream right now, wish I felt like anyone took anything I did seriously.

Wish I had some food in the fridge. Zip zap zam, I just did a Jeannie...nope, nuthin'. Huh, guess I'll have to go to the STORE!! What? Groceries? I hardly know how to pronounce it, much less go get some of it.

I think I am a bit grrrrrrrumpy having spent all, (I'm not kidding, it's been 8 hours), day reformatting my resume and sending out applications for jobs. If people want you to apply online I think they should be more responsive about it. The temp agency I keep applying to is ignoring me. I'm going down there tomorrow and give them a piece of my mind. Of course, that piece of my mind will consist of a paper copy of my resume and my best sucking up speech ever. Sigh.

Excuse me, I gotta get outta the house before I break someone's accordian.

When time pauses

You know how sometimes you get a little feeling like all is right with the world, just for a minute? Yeah, I'm having that.


Good things in Vancouver

I have just returned from seeing the Borat movie. I am laughed right out, it was that good. I don't want to ruin it for you, but I do want to strongly encourage you to see it if you have not already done yourself the favour. There were moments I was thinking to myself, "stop screaming so loud with laughter, you're going to hurt your throat and face." But I couldn't stop. I couldn't. It was too good.

As well, I was treated to a most magnificent dining experience this evening. There is a new restaurant called FigMint at the corner of 12th and Cambie, in the Ramada Inn, next to the Jolly Alderman. Strange location, stunning restaurant. Every morsel was melty and the cocktails were clearly made by baby angels. Everything, come to think of it, was what food in heaven is going to taste like. (Yup, that's right, I'm going to heaven...I decided. Don't act so surprised. The rules for getting into heaven aren't what you thought they were.) The service was outstanding. Check it out online, know that they made a lot of words up on the menu, but that all the dishes will live up to their crazy names. Ask the bar guy to pair wine with your food, he makes very, very good choices. And thank the chef, I think he's still a teenager.

And, for god's sake, get your ass to the Anza club on Wednesday night for It's Good To Know People, (IGTKP). A great show, you won't be sorry. $5 for so much entertainment you won't believe it.

Be fun to each other.



What did you do last night?

In case you were wondering whether I got drunk last night and wrote some gold jewish jokes, I did. So now you can go about your business. Sorry to keep you waiting all morning while I slothed around.

Tea tea tea. Earl grey saves me in this November miasma. I have lost my rain coat, but gained some gum boots, so I am sort of prepared. Thinking a little autumnal walk on the beach may be in order. Then dinner, then Borat. Oh, sweet, sweet Borat. Sounds good. Sounds...flexible.



This. That. Other stuff.

Hello! Wanted to let you know that I am feeling much better. Have I already told you that? I am very, VERY appreciative of all of your kind words and pithy observations the last while. You all kept me afloat, for sure. I feel like my chemistry has evened out somewhat, though my ass continues to grow. I did, however, just download the application form for free parks board passes for low incomites, like me, and am very excited about starting up a swimming regime for the first time in years. I need a physical release every day. I wanted to get a yoga pass, but I actually think that getting my heart rate up will make me happy. I miss swimming. It's the thing my body responds to the most quickly. Well, that and kissing, but that's a whole other ballgame.

Still feeling a bit leery of my comedy, but I suspect that disciplining myself as a writer is going to go a long way towards making me relax in that department. Convincing everyone who books rooms that I'm serious about it is harder, though, so I'm putting on my game face and picking all the comics' brains to see who will take me on tour with them as their opener, and how I take the next steps in this world.

Went back up to the Okanagan on Thursday, just overnight, and woke up yesterday to snow snow snow. God, I miss the snow. I miss the soft sounds and soft lighting and cool air in my lungs and layers and layers of clothes and the smell of wood smoke and cozying up during a blizzard. However, what I DON'T miss, I discovered yesterday, is driving on the motherfucking Coquihalla highway when the snow is falling. It was mayhem and I almost got into a serious accident. There were cars everywhere, spinning off the road, sliding into the ditch, and we were nearly one of them. Went into a spin, but kept my head and steered into the skid and didn't lock up the brakes and didn't hit the little blue car next to us, but I don't know how I managed to miss it. I did go sideways into the median, though, but luckily for me there was lots of snow piled up against it so no damage to the car. Phew. Bit of a task, driving back.

Am back in my house now, after time away at the Caravan, and time housesitting for a week at my stepmother's, and even though everything is in the exact state is was when I left, I am calmer about it. Just remembering to breathe deeply seems to help. And keeping myself busy with my work. It's all just perspective, right?

So...Monday...finding a job. Going to temp, I hope. Unless anyone else has anything else they need done? I gotta work. For my sanity as much as for my pocketbook. (I don't have a pocketbook, I have a jar, but still...) Soooooo.....looking for work, people....looking for work. Have been sending out lots of resumes and stuff this fall, but nothing has really come of it. I think temping is the best option for me, flexible and variable. I miss delivering flowers, a lot, makes me wish I still had a working vehicle. Have been contemplating the possibility of going to the Caravan to work on the winter show, but I think it's too long away from comedy. Oh, right, actually, I have shows booked the 9th and 16th of December, so can't do it anyway! Hurray for me for having a reason for something!

Now I'm leaving to go to my friend's house for dinner...she is making LOBSTER TAILS!! God, I love having friends in the film catering business. Sweeeeet.

Remember how I always cut my own hair? I have really gone too far this time. Wednesday I got seriously overzealous with the sewing scissors and gave myself "The Mental Patient". It looked good in the Okanagan, where it's so dry that my hair does cool rock n' roll messy things, but the humidity here in Van makes it...erm...slightly ridiculous. I think. Friends maintain that it's not so bad, but I think it's because of my current trick of wearing big hoop earrings. These hoops make everything kind of look ok. I remember that from the early 90's when I never left the house without hoops. It's like I've gone backwards to find myself again so I can move forwards.

So. Swimming, working, writing and possibly one other thing that I can't talk about yet.

Oh, right, AND, on November 20th I've been asked to host and emcee a great event called "Threads of Gastown" at the Alibi Room. It's a fashion event and all the proceeds go towards the Downtown Eastside Women's Shelter's program, WEAVE. (Women Engaged in the Arts - Vision and Empowerment). It's going to be an excellent evening, and I LOVE hosting things, and it's a great cause, so...check out the link over there ====> and get deets from my Myspace site. Love to see any of you there.

And, in case you were wondering, I'm fucking THRILLED about the American midterm election results, not to mention the fallout. See ya, Rummy! (I'm sure Gates is no picnic, but at least he's a seasoned strategist). It was a pleasure to watch Bush be a bit humbled. Of course, the Democrats aren't as funny as the Republicans, so that's a blow to comedy everywhere, but I think it's a fair price to pay.

Be kind to each other, y'all.

Peace, tenderness....



Oh, and...

Just kind of forgot to mention that tonight, November 3rd, was the second anniversary of my dad dying. I was just reading some of the blog entries I made from that time. I think it's time to address this with therapy. I mean, there's grief in all it's forms, and I think I'm through the most crippling of the sadness, but I haven't even begun to deal with the experiences of his illness. The years of deterioration, and the horrors of the last few weeks. There are moments I have tried to revisit, and literally my chest convulses and I have to think of something else. I must remember that these memories are in my cellular structure now, and even if my brain doesn't realize what happened at this time of year, my body does.

Anyway, that is all.

Peace, kindness.


A gem of a day.

Hmm. What to say. I kept putting off an entry for no good reason. Have been wanting to regale you with details of my emergence from under the dark cloud that has been plaguing me of late. Now I have left it 'til I am under eider and the sweet sweet duvet is calling me towards sleeeeeeep. Have had so much red wine in the past two weeks, it is catching up with me. Plus, getting myself back on sleep track and not staying up until 5am might be good. Oh, I am not making any sense whatsoever. I will detail slap you in the next couple of days, but know that I am feeling rosier and I think the ol' magic is back. Feel back in myself, remembering that comedy is fun, and that it's a better show when I have fun. Good sets, new material, relaxed hips...all good. Same struggles exist, but so does perspective and deep breathing. Of course, I have not been at home in the past couple of weeks, either, and that may be making all the difference in the world. I can't wait 'til the renos are done and we can all find out if that is truly what is making things so tense around there.

My darling friend Jane suggested that myself and her pal Garnet may hit it off, so he and I emailed for a bit, commented on each other's blogs and whatnot, and finally met in person today. Was a really nice thing. He is smart, he thinks he is grumpy but he wasn't today, and he claims to hate people but his life is full of them, and he was kind and funny and took a picture of me and put it on his blog, where he said nice things about me and my brain, and I liked that, too. Good day, if rainy. Rain! I think it has begun in earnest, the rain. I hope I am wrong. Although, wearing a hat and keeping the water off my glasses makes it not seem so bad. We'll see if I'm still singing the same tune in March.

How am I going to avoid Christmas this year? Any suggestions?