Cookie Toss

Well, that was a lot of puking for one day. I don't know what happened, but a little while after I got home from work today I began to feel incredibly nauseous. Then, whammo. It was gross. I don't seem to have other symptoms, maybe I feel a little hot. I have to say, I was thinking, "Why am I getting sick so much?", but I think I've come to the conclusion that it's anxiety induced. I'm pretty wound up. I have a couple of things to sort out, I guess. We're all well aware of the money stress I feel, (could ya hear more about it more often? I must sound like a broken record.), but I have a couple of personal things going on that I was thinking about tonight, after I was nauseous but before I was sick, and when I thought about these personal issues, that's when I could really feel it in my stomach. Very clear message from my body. Sort it out.

The matters are hard for me to get into here, what with them involving people that I'd rather talk to before they read something about themselves. A very dear friend of mine inadvertantly, (at least I hope it was inadvertant, if not we got a whole other headache. Humph. Hadn't thought of that before. I must say, it just really cheered me up to say "humph". That IS fun.), anyway, he inadvertantly insulted my chosen career, my number one love. It was quite belittling, and I was a bit too taken aback to say anything. I think it's festering. I was going to just let it go, or save it up, probably...but I'd better have a talk with him. You can't find friends like him just anywhere. Hmph. Ha!

The other thing is that I heard that some other comedians were mad at me over the whole Robin Williams fifty dollars thing...it seems everybody told everybody, as did I, and somewhere along the line it got interpreted as my having bummed money off him. Which is gross. Apparently everyone is quite protective of his presence, as it is so good for the comedy scene here, and apparently he's been harassed in the past...but, listen up, people, we just had a bloody nice conversation. I was with him the way I am with any other comics, which makes me kind of insecure about what the other comics actually think of me. I didn't think it would stick with me, but it has. It's the first time I've felt anything other than total friendliness, support and encouragement. It's kind of like I was cute when I wasn't serious about comedy, but now that I am, it's a whole new ballgame. My relationships with comics has totally changed. It's too bad. Some of them I really, really like. I don't know. My relationship with myself has totally changed, too, so that's gotta be part of it. Maybe I'm less lugubrious than I used to be. I just wanna do what I wanna do, and fuck 'em if they don't like it. I think they maybe don't like that as much as me draping myself all over them. Huh. Neat.

I'm feeling curmudgeonly and put upon.

I need a lover, STAT.

Do you know, it's getting harder to tell my secrets on this thing? I'm so glad everyone reads it, but now that everyone reads it, I'm finding it much more challenging to be honest. But I'm trying very hard, because I think it's a big deal for me to reveal this much of myself. I'm loudmouth, and I like to get into scandalous detail, but I'd say my bravado in the past has largely been a buffer between what I thought people wanted to see and what I really am. But I'm getting a fuck of a lot comfier with who I really am, so it's healthy, I think, to let other people in on it. That felt good to say. This whole entry feels good to write. Mabye I'm not writing enough. Maybe...sheesh, OBVIOUSLY I'm not writing enough. I'm making myself sick with not writing enough.

Oh, you guys. Thanks for listening. I'm quite surprised how much people like to read this.



sean said...

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."

Anonymous said...

I've got one too -- "What other people think of me is none of my business" A little cutesy but useful when other people think you're an out-of-control skeaze. Wait a minute! Not you!! Me!! Oh er..forget it. Now I"m confused. I need coffee before I'm helpful. I love you.

miss sara said...

both comments are true...the second is a tricky one-but really is true. you just continue being you.

your relationship with Robin Williams is yours-it is a big huge positive sign that you are in your element that you're appreciated by your peers. jealousy fuels gossip/rumours...try and let it go. i am too tired to say any othe words of comfort. i do know about the whole writing online thing. i have had adn still have a couple of online journals-but always end up writing less often and or less details because i get concious of who might be reading it. kind of takes the fun out of it. i dunno.

again i am too tired to expand.

Infidelia said...

I really, really appreciate your kind words. My friend Jy told me he's proud of me for making idiots jealous, that made me feel better, too.