this one's boring

Interesting set last night at Jupiter...very small crowd, quiet show, and then I had a great time. I did about ten minutes, which is longer than usual, and it was awesome. I think longer on stage is better for me. I was much more physical than usual, pacing around the stage more, and I gave a big ol' yell when I first came out. It was altogether a great experience to have before the competition tonight. I feel pretty confident...and also like if I get too confident I'll blow it. So I'm walking a fine line.

I'm thinking seriously about getting out of bed soon, what with it being 1:30 in the afternoon. My body clock is all fucked up. I've been up 'til all hours...my work schedule is all erratic due to accomodating fellow worker, and also my other paying gigs, so I haven't actually worked in a week, so I have been on my own little schedule. Which makes me know all over again that if left to my own devices I would mostly be awake at night. I have got to find a way to only be writing and performing for a living. I'm tired of having other jobs. So, that's my new goal. Can she do it? Oh, I think she can.




How very strange this weekend has been. The moods, the tears. I am feeling better today...still a little wide eyed, feel like I was beaten yesterday. I went so low for a few hours, and honestly had some time there where I felt like it would never pass. A few lovely emails from dear ones reminding me that there is always ebb and flow, well, it helped. Cute Chris being nice to me...he turned on the Simpsons and then poked me and said, "Or are you too sad to watch the Simpsons?". Very cute. Even smiled at that. Then we had a nice dinner, ate at like 10:30, with some spontaneous guests, so I got out of my pyjamas, at about 9pm mind you...woke up feeling a little more grounded. Anyway, it was all very surprising and I'm sure I made it worse feeling bad about feeling bad.

I don't know what to think about what I dumped in my friend's lap who I ostensibly told to go fuck himself. Part of me wants to beg forgiveness but part of me is kind of relieved I finally said something, anything, that will make him think about whether he wants to have a friend in me or not. It's weird, what you will put up with from whom. There are some friends I have that can ignore me for months on end, or even years, and we can come together and be right as rain. But some, what is it, but when they are out of touch it's infuriating. I think when it's clear what someone is capable of giving in any situation it's much easier. It's when someone says they are feeling one way, or says that they are going to do a certain thing, and then their behaviour and actions are so opposite of what they are saying. Like, don't tell me you think we have a very valuable friendship, one that you hopes lasts, and then only call me when you need something. It feels manipulative. Which feels yucky.

Huh. I guess I do know what I'm feeling about that situation.

I went to the tattoo convention today. My buddy Rob "Berge" Jobe, the artist who did my piece, is there for the weekend networking and doing pieces. I wanted to see him, and also see what the whole thing was all about. I was very surprised to find that I could have spent much longer there just looking through people's books and watching tattoos getting done. I can't wait to get more work done. The soundtrack of the place was the sound of needles whizzing. Totally intense. Watching all the people getting worked on in their various states of pain and bliss. One woman was having a piece done that was maybe the nicest piece I've ever seen. It was a tree growing up from her hip...sort of a highly stylized cherry tree. The guy who was doing it designed so exquisitely for the shape of her hips and waist, it looked so natural on her, and the work was totally meticulous. I fell in love about a hundred times with all the tattooed boys. Skinny, shy, oddballs. Just my types. Probably would have spent much longer there but had only a little time on the meter and no more change to put in...and I CAN'T get any more parking tickets, and certainly can't get towed again. Really, it's just ridiculous. Anyway, Rob and I are going to get together when he's done. God, I'm so excited about figuring out when I can get another piece done. When did this happen to me? I'm a freak!

Speaking of freaks, if you haven't seen John Leguizamo's one man show, "Freak", rent the dvd. What a brilliant show. It's funny, intense, smart, sexy, energetic, sweaty, frank and truthful. The script (with a few moments of exception), the sound, the lighting, the set, the production values all told, everything just came together in a magical way. He musta workshopped the hell outta that thing. Very inspiring. It sure makes me realize all over again the worth of putting your own truth out there for people to see and hear.

All this time alone yesterday and today is good. I like doing things by myself, so I can spend as much time as I want looking at things, absorbing the experience, and not worrying about whether someone else is having a good time or not. I like being on my own trajectory. Which, you know, runs pretty deep and has a fairly profound effect on other aspects of my life. For instance, Georgia said to me today, when we were talking about why I had been sad and how Sean was a part of that, anyway, she said I need to pick different men and examine why I keep picking the ones I do. But, I don't know if that's true. I'm just not sure I'm suited to the kind of relationship that she is in. I like being on my own path...I mean, in the depths of a day like yesterday I can really get to wishing I had a boyfriend, who would hold me and make me soup and do some stuff I don't feel like doing...but, after a good cry and a hearty meal, and not leaving the house for a whole day, well, then I remember how much I like to just decide things for my own self. Sometimes the men I pick really suit that part of me. It does mean that the relationships tend to be intense and shortlived, but they are certainly not without value. I'm thrilled to come out of this with Sean as a treasured friend, as we were before it got all fiery. And so much of what we've talked about with regards to comedy has been invaluable to me. The way he never talks about doing shit, he just does it...I like that a lot and take that with me. I like being around someone who says to me, "so? shut up and do it." Because Lord knows I can really get into running in circles in my head and overcomplicating things to the point that they don't happen.

Little nap in my immediate future.

Thanks, my people, for listening. I am very, very grateful for your words of kindness and all the love. I need it, even if I sometimes suck at asking for it.



On a dime.

I don't know how things turn so quickly. I am having very dark thoughts today. Yesterday wasn't so hot, either, but turned out nicely, so I figured today would be better, but I have woken on a side of the bed I didn't even know was there.

I think I have done something foolish. I was so out of sorts yesterday, and teary, and I couldn't say why, exactly...although, it's possible I know exactly why and just don't want to admit it to myself. More on that later, though. Anyway, I was waiting for Taryn to get her hair cut and found myself wandering aimlessly around, right on the verge of tears, but couldn't quite make it happen. I was so fed up and frustrated, and the day before a friend had totally bailed on plans with me, but in such a way that it was kind of the last straw, but I don't know if it was really the last straw, I just felt so shitty. Anyway, I called him and left him a rather harshly worded message, about how if we were ever going to be friends it would be up to him to call me and have a plan ready to set in motion. But more terse. I'm feeling regretful of that call today, and now I don't know what to do. I kind of want to call and apologize, but what if it really was the last straw and I'm just feeling needy today? Yeah, that's probably the way it is. I don't know, I don't really want to lose this person, but I don't really want the relationship to go on the way it is. I feel taken for granted and taken advantage of. That's no good. Ok. I'm going with the I feel needy thing. My heart, my heart.

I am so disgusted with myself. I know I feel badly about Sean, and that makes me want to punch myself in the face. I knew where it was going and I fell in love with him anyway. Stupid girl. But not, because I really do love him, and I feel he's worthy of it. But he doesn't. There are no bad feelings between us, I just feel like I have nothing to hold on to all of a sudden. I am fucking confused, that's what. I honestly don't understand why I am so so so so bummed out. It just popped up, I was fine. Maybe it's because I'm stressed about money, maybe I'm freaked out about this comedy competition on Tuesday, maybe I'm sad over Sean, maybe I miss my dad....ouch, I miss my dad. So much. I got all fine about it for a couple of weeks and have been feeling very strong and together, and suddenly it all feels like it's falling through my fingers.

I can tell you this, I don't even want to be awake right now. I have no need for conciousness. I want out of my own head. I don't know how to achieve this. I mean, I can think of tremendously unhealthy ways to achieve it...but that's not what I'm gunning for. Fuck fuck fuck. Holyshit, I feel bad. Right in the pit of my stomach, all the way up to my throat, it hurts. I am so confused about everything.

Plus I was getting something from my closet this morning, which is raised up a step, and turned to step down and twisted my ankle. I don't know why I thought I could go the rest of my life without turning my ankle, but I did. I have notoriously bad ankles, and it's just never a good time to go over on one. I hate hobbling. So I'm icing it and feeling dumb. I don't think I should be around anyone today. Where to go? To the office, maybe, though it'll be unbearably hot, I think.

Gaaaaaaahh!!!!! I want to smash things. What have I done?


Don't burn those babies.

Listen. I am so tired. But so happy. But so tired. I just wanted you all to know that I know you are all here, and I am thinking about this blog and yourselves...but I've been up to my eyeballs lately. So much has been happening, and for various reasons, which I have yet to figure out, I don't seem to need to do this as much. Could be the therapy, or doing so many comedy shows, or the lovely weather...freakishly lovely, actually. It was HOT today, and my driving arm is very, very dark. I am buying some sunscreen tomorrow and going to the naked beach. Mmmmm...naked in the sunshine. If there's a better feeling than having sunshine on your boobies, I don't know about it. (Ok, there is a better feeling, but...second to that is definitely sunshine on your boobies). I may even venture into the cold, cold Pacific Ocean. Brrr. But it'll for sure feel good after getting all hot lying in the sun. Oh, man. I'm going to sleep right now so I can wake right up and get there. Ooooh, Kits pool is open, too....perhaps a swim there is in order. Sadly not naked, though.

Listen, you lot, I'll be back. But don't wait up.



UPCOMING SHOWS, Revised 06/04


Sunday, June 12th, DV8, Davie between Richards and Seymour, 10pm (fun show)

Monday, June 13th, Darby D. Dawes, 4th & McDonald in Kits, 9pm

Thursday, June 23rd, Cotton Club near Granville Island, 9pm


Upfront Theater in Bellingham, June 10th & 11th at 8pm each night. With the Stretch Mouth'd Rascalls.

Stay tuned for details about Stretch Mouth'd Shows at the Fringe Festival - late night shows - and our big launch in September.

Feel the love,



no clever title

Had a really good visit with Sean tonight. He did a set at Yuk Yuk's, which was great. He walked me to my car and we had a long chat about comedy. He imparted some of his wisdom to me and it all made real sense. He's so fucking brilliant it hurts me. Anyway, I'm glad to report that we have an in tact and, I think, very valuable friendship. I love the hell out of him, but somehow, I'm relaxed about it. Today I realized that something that I thought was true about myself actually is true. I'm completely fine with a romantic situation not going the way I want as long as I've been told the truth. And Sean tells the truth, there's no doubt about that. So I'm clear that us not going anywhere has to do with his mess and our bad timing, not because he thinks I'm gross and irritating, which is where I will go if I don't get the truth. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the gross thing before, because I remember it cracking Warren up.

Another interesting thing happened tonight. I was watching the show at Yuk Yuk's and realized more than anything I wanted to be on the stage. It's always been that way with improv...that if I'm just watching a show I get itchy to be part of it. But with standup I've largely been relieved not to be performing. I think it's a sign of my true committment to the comedy world that all I wanted was to be up there. It was killing me. Sean thinks it was because it was a packed show and a great crowd, which is probably true, but I felt that way the other night at Jupiter, too, and there were only six people in the crowd and none of them were laughing, so it was a totally painful show but I wanted to be up there anyway, because I don't care how many people are in a room as long as they are all looking at ME.

The Scissor Sisters rule.

Nighty night.



You're Gonna Make It After All.

Ever so tentatively I report that things are kind of....even. Though, this could be fleeting, as so much dust in the wind.....

(Insert sound effect of me choking back bile)

I had a good set tonight at DV8, so that was good. Chalk up one for the good guys. I think I went a whole day with no bad news.

Sean and I...kaputo. Let's not kid ourselves, we knew it was coming. But didn't we hope it would linger just a little longer? Like, you know, through the dog days of summer. Mmmm....summer romances. So nice. Late night swims in the lake. Smoking clove cigarettes on the dock, telling dirty jokes.

The poor boy fell off the wagon. The wagon was going very very fast, and he hit the ground hard. Then some other wagons that were right behind his wagon and going just as fast ran him over. Then he fell off a cliff. So, it was bad. So there you have it. I can be a better friend to him if we are not lovers, and I sidestep a near trainwreck. Still, though, I maintain a terribly soft spot in my heart for him. Onwards, Christian soldiers.

Remind me to tell you at a later date how I almost became a Christian last night. It was a weird moment. The feeling has passed, but it was kind of soothing for a minute. I had about ten seconds of feeling completely absolved of responsibility for anything. Very peaceful. Then it was over. These are strange times. I'm sure I've said it before.

Lordy, there was a reason I wanted to write tonight and I have forgotten it. Whatever, having a good set, even if there are only 15 people there, feels very, very good. A set that the other comics respected. Oooh, it makes me all wiggly inside to know that the other comics liked my set. I feel very amongst my people when I'm with them. I'm in a competition at the Urban Well on May 31st, 7:30pm. The audience chooses the winners of the first round, so I want to stack it. I am feeling oddly driven to do well in the competition. And oddly willing to sacrifice things in my life to just do comedy. I think I get it that I can disappear for a while to pay attention to my work and myself and that the love in my life won't disappear just because I do. I feel flutters of trepidation, but I'm willing to beat the butterflies back and get moving ahead.

Have configured my work schedule the way I want it, finally. Flowers Mon, Tues, Weds and 4 days off. I will need to be frugal. (This, you may have guessed, is not my strong suit. It's genetic.) But I can spend time at my office, which I never go to, and write the other days. I am happy to have a little structure for a bit. I think I find the idea soothing. Mmmmmmm.....soooooothing.

Night night, I shall dream of grand theatres full of laughter, raucous behaviour, and a spotlight. Purrrrrrrr.




I had to drag my sorry ass to work today....I need some backup, man. I'm out of drivers. Anyone want to deliver flowers from time to time? Anyway, I'm the snottiest little girl ever, and working kind of sucked...so I got home this afternoon and got on the couch under a blankey and proceeded to have a series of strangely relevant dreams.

The one I'm most interested in, however, is one I had about my dad. The dead one. (By the way, as an aside, may I digress, etc...I managed to work in jokes about my dead dad in one of my sets this week....very proud to talk about death and not lose the audience.) So, in this dream, I was in a strange house, a friend was housesitting, and we were goofing off, when all of a sudden the house started to fill up with people. Strangers. I found out that it was because the owner of the house had died suddenly, and all these people were here to see his body. I walked past the room where the body was and was struck by how much it looked like my father lying there. Same bed linens, body position. In the dream I started to cry and cry remembering him like that, and went into another room and found him alive and well, healthy and vibrant. He was so concerned about my tears, and I explained that seeing the dead stranger had reminded me so much of when he died. He hugged me so hard and held me while I sobbed and sobbed. I was so relieved that he had managed to come back from being dead, and that he could hold me like that, it made me cry even harder.

It was amazing. In all my other dreams about him we fight, and I haven't dreamed of him in a while, so this was a very different experience. I suppose part of what intrigues me is how relieved I feel at finally having that moment with him. Where he holds me and comforts me. It's all I ever really wanted, you know? So I choose to believe he was visiting me in my dream, and letting me know how much he loves me, and how much he wishes he could comfort me. I wish I could dream about him all the time.

Goddamn, I miss him.

On another note, I am going to try my hardest to get away to the desert in the end of June. I'm going to stay with a dear old friend who promises me hot weather and quiet days. He is a ceramics artist, so spends a lot of his time in the studio, so I can walk and sleep and read and cry and cook meals to my heart's content. My stepmother thinks she may be able to get me a plane ticket with her points, which makes the whole thing that much more realistic. My friend and I are thinking of camping for a few days on the Colorado River, which we did years ago and it was beautiful. I can't decide if I should just go there, or if I should take two weeks and use part of the trip to do some standup in LA. I don't know. It seems like going to LA might taint the rest cure, but, let's face it, I'm not rich and I probably should take advantage of being down there. Any opinions?

Show your love,



What's up, Wheezey?

Boy oh boy am I ever sick. I seem to be getting sick a lot. My mother is concerned about me. I suppose so am I, but I think it's because of all the stress. I seriously think that all my emotional stuff has always shown up in my body. Either as back pain, or headaches, or getting sick. I've got a lot on my plate right now, and for some reason I think I'm not doing nearly enough. Maybe it's because my room is messy. I don't know. I'm sure I'm going to drop a couple of balls one of these days.


Whoopsies....there goes my career.....

Cough cough. Almost choked to death because I can't breathe through my nose and I was drinking juice and Chris and I saw something funny on TV and I almost spit my juice out but I didn't want it to fuck up the computer, so I choked instead. I. Am. A. Dork.

Okay. Head so full of snot, can't write.

Very attractive right now. Oh, yeah.