Still Kickin'.

I am sitting up, as the hours tick by into the wee ones. My brother and I are now fully ensconced at our dad and stepmother's house. I think we're down to weeks, maybe days with dad. It's amazing to be here, though I feel mired down in a miasma of emotions. Scared, sad, angry, tired, heavy, confused, glib...and I don't want to hear about how some of those aren't actually emotions. It's all just floatin' around in a big pile.

You know what would be the best right now? A boy. Someone waiting downstairs in my bed, just waiting. So when I was finally ready to sleep he would be there, opening his arms and ready to absorb my tears and frustration, hold me, stroke my hair.

I told my friend Colin in Scotland that I wanted it to be him, and, terribly sorry darling Colin, but I'm not sure it's person specific. It's something about the comfort of male energy. About feeling the weight lift for a while and being reminded that I am in my body, and happy there. About the chemicals that are created when skin touches skin.

I am so tired, but the later it gets the more anxious I get about going to sleep and leaving my dad alone in the dark. I hate thinking of him alone and scared and sad in the night. It just breaks my heart. But I do have to work, if only to squeak by. Am trying to keep my financial head above water, and am not doing too badly, but have nothing extra to service any debts, which doesn't free my anxious mind, either. This is a strange time.

I had a nap this afternoon, after work, after nearly falling alseep on the highway. During this nap I dreamed many things.

I dreamed I had a great big male tabby cat that laughed like a human when you rubbed his belly because he was ticklish.

I dreamed my best friend phoned my to say her boyfriend bailed, but I couldn't ascertain from her whether this meant that he left the relationship or jumped off their 21st floor balcony. She wouldn't answer me.

I dreamed that I couldn't stop crying, but that I was dreaming and woke up crying. But I was dreaming that I woke up crying. Like a picture of a television on a television with a picture of a television in the picture....etc.

All through all of these dreams I kept thinking about how my father had died, and I just cried and yelled and cried and cried some more. Even when the cat was laughing.

It was the least restful nap I've ever taken. Plus I slept through my therapy appointment, and that can't be good.

I think this past week has been the most intense of my life. I played in Ellie Harvie's improv show at Yuk Yuk's, first time there, I worked in the day, I saw the Rheostatics three times...two of which were wonderful, the last one I went to I freaked out with tiredness and sadness and left before it got good. I did Theatre Under the Gun, the 48 hour playwrighting festival with my wonderful Stretch Mouth'd Rascals....it was amazing. I want to tell you all about the process and the show, but can't tonight. I just needed to write for a while, and say thank you to you all for your sweet and thoughtful and supportive notes. And let you know I was still here. And still ok. Sad beyond belief....but more on the spiritual learning curve another day.






The quick brown fox.

I wrote this beautiful entry yesterday about God and human nature and the universe and our relationship to these things....about a lot. Really, it was good. I mean, I remember it was good, but I have no proof because I clicked on something wrong and lost it. Boy did that make me grumpy. Plus, I didn't have it in me to do it over, since it was from the heart and off the cuff the first time and I just didn't think I could repeat it. I hate it when that happens.

I spent the day reading to my dying father today. I love him.

I have lots to tell about my family situation, but will have to let it leak out slowly because it's pretty intense stuff.

For tonight, just know that Saturday at 8pm at the Vancouver East Cultural Centre, on Venables just west of Victoria, the Stretch Mouth'd Rascals will be performing whatever we write for the Theatre Under the Gun festival. It is a 48 hour playwrighting festival; we will receive an inspiration package Thursday morning and will write and rehearse a 15 minute piece to perform Saturday evening. It's always a fun evening, so c'mon down.

That is all for tonight, I have some sorting to do in my head before you get a really juicy entry.



Fight or flight.

I have been remiss. Have I already started one of these entries with that very phrase? I think so. At least, I certainly always think I've been remiss. I like the word. It sounds like you should feel shame. And I do.

It has been a decidedly strange time. I have been through a very weird period with my family, not all of them but some of them. I feel strongly that I'd like to go into detail here, but am not sure of the public airing of it just now. It certainly wouldn't go over with them. Nevertheless, we haven't exactly been seeing eye to eye.

Did you know that my father is dying? I should explain something here, quickly, for those not in the know. I come from a millenial family. I have many people in parental roles in my life. There's the mummy, and the bio dad, and the step dad, who is my brother's bio dad and with whom we lived from the time I was very small, and step dad's wife, and my mother's fiance, and my bio dad's girlfriend. Some have less parental input, some have more, some would like to have more. Who is in what category is not important. But, so you know, it's my step dad that is dying. He has been ill for 2 years and 8 months today.

The thing is, we haven't always seen eye to eye about things, nor have his wife and I. I don't know what we all thought would happen when he got sick, but somehow, in one's head, one imagines this great catharsis and sudden coming together so there is nothing now but love and compassion and empathy that this is a confusing and sad time for all involved. But it is precisely because it is such a confusing and sad and angry and crazy-making situation that, as it turns out, things just kind of get exacerbated. We have had our peaks and valleys, for certain, but I think we have very different world views and possibly even value systems. We've been in more of a canyon than a valley of late.

I'm starting with a very nice therapist at the Jewish Family Services tomorrow, and I am very much looking forward to having someone to guide me through this. I always think I can figure things out and handle things myself, but I definitely feel unequipped to wade through this one. I am just a bundle of emotions, sometimes to the point of shutting down. I wear myself out with sadness and worry sometimes, and have to get under the proverbial covers with proverbial tea for proverbial days.

Today, though, was a really nice day. Yesterday, too. Yesterday Siobhan and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for Ian and Pia, as well as my mum's fiance, Andy. My mum's in North Carolina taking a jewelery making course until December. We missed her. She's fun at dinner parties. Siobhan and I cooked all day and were good and tipsy by the time it all came together, but we were so proud of ourselves for keeping the imbibing modest until we were sure we had the meal well in hand. Outdid ourselves, really.

Then, tonight, we had a houseful and ate all the leftovers. It was like another impromptu Thanksgiving. Very sweet evening.

Jonah and I went walking down by the river in South Vancouver today. Sometimes I forget about the little nooks and crannies of peace this city offers, and am always grateful when I remember to go and have some oxygen and quiet. Plus, Jonah stepped in the marsh and got a soaker, so that was hilarious. We are having fun getting to be friends. It's so lovely when someone new comes into your life and it's just easy. We have a very easy time together. I appreciate that.

I haven't booked any comedy shows for this week, but I am working at the Vogue Theatre for a flamenco show for the next five nights, if anyone wants to come down and check it out for free, get in touch and I'll see how sales are going.

Sweet dreams, dear ones. Be kind to each other. Acheive peace.



Quit shakin' your eyes!

Ooooh, drove flowers around for 10 and a half hours today!! Oh, man, I didn't realize it was that long until I counted just now. No wonder my eyeballs are all wonky. And my ass seems to be extremely flat and wide all of a sudden. Hm, didn't know it could do that. Is my ass made out of playdough?

I would like to leave a longer post...but I'm having an emotionally trying week and I don't think it's stuff I can really talk about here. Here's some good stuff, though.

Ryan Stiles said he wants the Stretch Mouth'd Rascals booked at his theatre in Bellingham as much as possible. One of our stretchy guys, Jeff, will be away until Februrary, but Ryan said he'd play with us. Cooooooool.

The show at DV8 this past Sunday was AWESOME. Aubrey got subjects from the audience and then the comics had to write jokes on the spot and get up one by one to tell them. We did it three times. The most consistent comic won ten dollars. (Actually, the most consistent comic won an I.O.U. for ten dollars from Aubrey, but his heart was in the right place.) These were the subjects suggested by the audience, two per round, comics choosing which one they wanted, or combining the two:

Round 1: Babies' Pants & Halloween

Round 2: Zoos & Feet

Round 3: Quantum Mechanics & The Film Festival

My jokes were totally lame for the first two rounds, but I pulled it outta the fire in round three with TWO quantum mechanics jokes:

I took my car into the shop the other day, I thought they were regular mechanics but I guess they were quantum mechanics because the tune up cost $400.

One atom says to the other atom, "How's your wife?"
The second atom says, "I don't know, she split."

Wokka wokka wokka

The most fun thing about the night was the risk factor. For me it was total joy because being an improvisor means that I'm prepared to fail when making stuff up on the spot. But you shoulda seen the other comics panicking. Rightly or wrongly it brought me much glee to watch them squirm. Heh. Aubrey is going to do that kind of show once a month there, the other three Sundays will be regular shows. I think as long as I can do shows like that one regularly I'll maintain my love of standup.

I have two crushes. But I'm not saying who they are!!



Sunday is for Lovers. Or, if you don't have a lover, Brunch.

Well. I was getting all prepared to sit down and write about how I was listening to the new Ben Harper with the Blind Boys of Alabama CD, (soooooooo goooood), but have found the upstairs CD player to be fussy today. I got all settled in with my mug of earl grey, (little sugar, little soy milk), and the CD only skips and skips on an endless little loop in the first song. Won't even play the second song. And the player seems to be making this noise....like an airplane taking off. I'm pretty sure that when your electronics start making noises like that it's time to make sculptures out of them.

But the tea is nice. And the day is spectacular. Spent the first hour and a half of my day on the phone. Lazing in bed having a nice, long chat with a friend who gives good phone. You know how there are a couple of people in your life that just seem to inspire fun phone conversations. Jonah is one of those.

Jonah. You can see how that name feels biblical on the tongue. What is it about biblical names that makes them feel so particular? Elijah. Joseph. Sarah. Rebekah. Ezekial. Yahweh. Jonah. A certain placement on the palate, a weight, a history, a wisdom, sort of a sweetness, too. Old testament, I guess. Hebrew.

I can hardly think of the name Jonah without thinking of the Violent Femmes song "Dating Days". Somewhere in that song, (I'm pretty sure it's that song), there's a lyric that goes, "Jonah's smart, he swallowed the whale...". I always think of that.

Preparing to meander over to Soma and visit with Pete. (Mr. New). Giving him time to accomplish some "good writing", as he put it. I don't know how much time he needs. What if he spends an hour and only gets mediocre writing done? Then he won't want to play cards. Or, he'll be just disgruntled enough that I'll win at cards, so maybe that would be good. I like winning.

I'm excited about the DV8 show tonight. Even though I've been waffling about maybe going to Victoria and skipping out on the show. But I won't. Aubrey will be getting subjects from the audience and all the comics will have to come up with new jokes right on the spot. Good times. Right up my clever little alley. (Does that sound dirty? I can't tell. Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, sounds dirty to me.).

But before that, but after cards with Pete, I'm going to go see Garden State with Ajineen. If you're ever friends with Ajineen, (you should be so lucky), you have to call her voice mail every few days and listen to the excellent outgoing messages she has. Songs! Funny. She's an awesome lady and I am very pleased with myself for getting to be friends with her. She's a sparkling, lovely, smart, sweet, self possessed woman, with talent up the wazoo. Actor, singer, fiddle/violin player...and on and on. And she's hot. Like...hot. Remember back during the Fringe Festival when I talked about the show "Plentiful"? She was one half of the creative force behind that.

Enough about Ajineen. Seriously.

Seem to have filled up my Sunday. Good. Have next two days off, too. Really, really, really, really, really need to clean up my room. And do laundry. Really, really, really, really. But not today. So effin' beautiful out there. What the hell am I doing on the computer?


Here I go.

You are lovely. Don't forget it.



Sneezing and sneezing

And sneezing...geez. This is ridiculous. My head is exploding!!

Show last night at Zizanie was sub par. I'm not sure what is going on with me and standup....it's different than it was before. Lots of the comics are saying they're glad to see me back up there, but I feel very, um, indifferent to it. I really want to get back to where it was such a joy and I'm convinced that the way to do that is to get our own theatre space going...a dedicated improv/sketch/standup theatre that is the base for a couple of ensembles. Then I could produce standup in a theatre environment, which I like better than the club scene.

Oh, my head is all stuffy and woozy now. I can't think straight. I'll write something funny tomorrow. Huh...that's practically my credo.

Just so you all know....I am seriously jonesing for some necking. Just so you know. Seriously. Kissing!! Kissing! KISSING!!!! God, I love kissing. You could ask practically anyone. Seriously. I'm extremely kissable. Yummy.