Storing up my nuts for winter.

Okay. Bouncing back. Not all the way yet, but had a cry and some sushi and a nice visit with a couple of friends. Still, though, a bit miffed that I actually have to feel things. This being a human thing, I don't know. Next time I'm coming back as a squirrel.


My horoscope said that today I would likely experience agony and ecstasy. Waiting for the better half of that to kick in. Who would have thought I could feel so low when the sky is so pretty?

I am down down down today. Totally waiting for the flood of tears, totally can't make it happen. Have considered throwing the bad art I've been making at something or someone instead of crying. Anything. I am twisting in the wind today, waiting for this blackness to pass. I guess that's the new bit of things in my life. Understanding that it will pass. I fucking hope it passes, cause my heart is crumbling into dust and that dust is filling up my lungs and making it hard to breathe or think.

I don't know how honest to be with you. I have been trying so hard to stay focused on my health, and the last couple of months I have really let things go to pot. Literally. I've been drinking, smoking dope, staying up late, doing too many things...it was fun for a while, but then I was on the hamster wheel and it just got gross. I have the feeling no one has noticed a difference in me, I mean, I go to work, I do shows, I get out...but this pain in my heart, I'm sure it's why I've been doing it. To avoid this very feeling right now. I have known that there was a love I would have to give up sooner or later, and when it was obvious that it was on the brink, I guess I didn't want to feel it. But now, today, after cleaning up my act a bit I can feel every goddamned thing and it fucking sucks. I don't even know how to get past it. It has been such a long time since I faced this particular kind of loss. Somewhere in me I suppose I thought that after my dad died nothing would be able to cause me pain, but lo and behold.

I am so lonesome right now, and stupidly sure that I will grow old by myself in this one bedroom apartment, get a stinky little dog and make the neighbours' business my own. How is this where things have led me? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a good round of tears will be helpful, and, by the way, here they come. Good thing the internet isn't made of paper or this entry would be soaked.

I have to go and have this cry. Fucksack.


August gigs.

Okay. I got it together to update not only my facebook, but also my myspace, so now you can click on that thing to the right there and see my upcoming shows. I'll put them here, too.

Friday, August 24th, 8pm showtime, Sawbuck's Pub, 1626 152nd Street, Surrey!!

8pm Monday, August 27th, Myles of Beans, 7010 Kingsway near the Edmonds Skytrain Station - I do 7-10 minutes.

9:30pm Thursday, August 30th, Howie's Bar and Grill, 2830 Bainbridge Avenue, Burnaby. Corner of Lougheed and Bainbridge, near the Burnaby Lake skytrain.

Will send you September as it becomes clear.



I don't know, either.

Oh, hi there. Nice to see you. Just a second. I gotta get comfortable.

Hang on.

Getting there. Just gotta adjust this one thing....

Oh, who am I kidding. I am procrastinating further. No, not procrastinating. Trying to be funny. Sheesh, I am way funnier than that normally. Anyway, I don't feel like procrastinating, I'll do it tomorrow. Ha ha ha!

Since you asked....things are good. I think they are good. I mean, no, they are, but I am so unused to this business of structure and sameness. Some days I have pangs for a past life. Possibly a future life. I am keeping a tight rein on my very inner truths, trying to sort them out. It's getting easier to pretend to be in a good mood now that I know what it feels like.

I keep having this conversation with myself about wanting to do more, thinking I should do more, and knowing that the best course of action at the present time is to stick to the plans I made in the winter. It seems so easy to just let the momentum of things carry me faster and faster and just get overbooked. I remember that's what I've always done.

This week I decided, after a dirty good summertime vacation long weekend in the Okanagan, that it would be kind of like a vacation just going to work and then coming home and staying home until it's time to go to work the next day. It's been a nice, quiet couple of nights. Trying to decide whether to go out tonight, but likely I will crawl into something warm and maybe watch something filmish. I MIGHT do the dishes, but I doubt it. But I might.

Oooh, I feel a bit rusty in the writing department. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to publish this. I am. Even though I am fairly certain it says nothing of import and little of interest. But then I'm going to write a little more later. And then maybe a little tomorrow and the next day. Because that will get me back up to speed. Right now I feel like I have left blogging so long that the information just piles up and it gets harder and harder to sit down and figure out what the important bits are to let you in on. (I understand that that sentence was a grammatical nightmare, but I'm not fixing it.) So, I remind myself, sit down and write a little every day, it will start to roll out of you again, it will.

I think I might be sad, but I can't really tell, so then I think maybe I'm not sad at all and I'm just confused because living without a deep well of sadness in me is so unfamiliar that I kind of miss it. So, is it that I am out of touch with my inner self? Or that I am inner touch with my outer self? Confused? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.