I did. I did give my head a shake today. Had to. Was starting to go in circles in there. Here's what I thought of, and why. I thought about how sometimes I try to be what I think other people want me to be and then get all stressed out because I'm not being myself. And then resent them for wanting me to be something other than what I am. Even though it's only what I thought, not what they thought. I. Am. So. Weird. I thought about how I've done this for a long time. I don't want to do it. It's not as chronic as it once was, but it wasn't so present while I was on the meds. Every day, man, there's a new bit of old weirdness rearing it's head and demanding I finally deal with it. Which, I suppose, means I'm growing. Awww.
Why I thought of it. I was emailed the following a couple of days ago:
"The CBC is looking for a HOST for a new lifestyle show to air in January. The show will be a local guide to better living in the lower mainland. ... If you are enthusiastic...an entertaining interviewer...quick on your feet...a good writer, comfortable on camera, please apply!"
I want it. But I also just wanted to do the applying. Get all the stuff written and together, stuff I can use in the future for other things. And while I was working on THE LETTER this afternoon I realized how much I wanted them to want ME. Not for me to try to be what I think they want. How little point there would be in getting this not based on what I could truly deliver. I know. Simple. And then the thought ran around my brain and applied itself to the rest of my life.
I am constantly trying new ways to not panic. I am much, much better at it than I used to be. There is a freaking avalanche of things I am learning, and quickly. I am all the things I am, and my essence is good. I just have to keep the doubting synapses from firing. Oxygen seems to silence them. So breathing is very, very important.
Help each other out. Show your love.