How very strange this weekend has been. The moods, the tears. I am feeling better today...still a little wide eyed, feel like I was beaten yesterday. I went so low for a few hours, and honestly had some time there where I felt like it would never pass. A few lovely emails from dear ones reminding me that there is always ebb and flow, well, it helped. Cute Chris being nice to me...he turned on the Simpsons and then poked me and said, "Or are you too sad to watch the Simpsons?". Very cute. Even smiled at that. Then we had a nice dinner, ate at like 10:30, with some spontaneous guests, so I got out of my pyjamas, at about 9pm mind you...woke up feeling a little more grounded. Anyway, it was all very surprising and I'm sure I made it worse feeling bad about feeling bad.
I don't know what to think about what I dumped in my friend's lap who I ostensibly told to go fuck himself. Part of me wants to beg forgiveness but part of me is kind of relieved I finally said something, anything, that will make him think about whether he wants to have a friend in me or not. It's weird, what you will put up with from whom. There are some friends I have that can ignore me for months on end, or even years, and we can come together and be right as rain. But some, what is it, but when they are out of touch it's infuriating. I think when it's clear what someone is capable of giving in any situation it's much easier. It's when someone says they are feeling one way, or says that they are going to do a certain thing, and then their behaviour and actions are so opposite of what they are saying. Like, don't tell me you think we have a very valuable friendship, one that you hopes lasts, and then only call me when you need something. It feels manipulative. Which feels yucky.
Huh. I guess I do know what I'm feeling about that situation.
I went to the tattoo convention today. My buddy Rob "Berge" Jobe, the artist who did my piece, is there for the weekend networking and doing pieces. I wanted to see him, and also see what the whole thing was all about. I was very surprised to find that I could have spent much longer there just looking through people's books and watching tattoos getting done. I can't wait to get more work done. The soundtrack of the place was the sound of needles whizzing. Totally intense. Watching all the people getting worked on in their various states of pain and bliss. One woman was having a piece done that was maybe the nicest piece I've ever seen. It was a tree growing up from her hip...sort of a highly stylized cherry tree. The guy who was doing it designed so exquisitely for the shape of her hips and waist, it looked so natural on her, and the work was totally meticulous. I fell in love about a hundred times with all the tattooed boys. Skinny, shy, oddballs. Just my types. Probably would have spent much longer there but had only a little time on the meter and no more change to put in...and I CAN'T get any more parking tickets, and certainly can't get towed again. Really, it's just ridiculous. Anyway, Rob and I are going to get together when he's done. God, I'm so excited about figuring out when I can get another piece done. When did this happen to me? I'm a freak!
Speaking of freaks, if you haven't seen John Leguizamo's one man show, "Freak", rent the dvd. What a brilliant show. It's funny, intense, smart, sexy, energetic, sweaty, frank and truthful. The script (with a few moments of exception), the sound, the lighting, the set, the production values all told, everything just came together in a magical way. He musta workshopped the hell outta that thing. Very inspiring. It sure makes me realize all over again the worth of putting your own truth out there for people to see and hear.
All this time alone yesterday and today is good. I like doing things by myself, so I can spend as much time as I want looking at things, absorbing the experience, and not worrying about whether someone else is having a good time or not. I like being on my own trajectory. Which, you know, runs pretty deep and has a fairly profound effect on other aspects of my life. For instance, Georgia said to me today, when we were talking about why I had been sad and how Sean was a part of that, anyway, she said I need to pick different men and examine why I keep picking the ones I do. But, I don't know if that's true. I'm just not sure I'm suited to the kind of relationship that she is in. I like being on my own path...I mean, in the depths of a day like yesterday I can really get to wishing I had a boyfriend, who would hold me and make me soup and do some stuff I don't feel like doing...but, after a good cry and a hearty meal, and not leaving the house for a whole day, well, then I remember how much I like to just decide things for my own self. Sometimes the men I pick really suit that part of me. It does mean that the relationships tend to be intense and shortlived, but they are certainly not without value. I'm thrilled to come out of this with Sean as a treasured friend, as we were before it got all fiery. And so much of what we've talked about with regards to comedy has been invaluable to me. The way he never talks about doing shit, he just does it...I like that a lot and take that with me. I like being around someone who says to me, "so? shut up and do it." Because Lord knows I can really get into running in circles in my head and overcomplicating things to the point that they don't happen.
Little nap in my immediate future.
Thanks, my people, for listening. I am very, very grateful for your words of kindness and all the love. I need it, even if I sometimes suck at asking for it.