5.28.2005

On a dime.

I don't know how things turn so quickly. I am having very dark thoughts today. Yesterday wasn't so hot, either, but turned out nicely, so I figured today would be better, but I have woken on a side of the bed I didn't even know was there.

I think I have done something foolish. I was so out of sorts yesterday, and teary, and I couldn't say why, exactly...although, it's possible I know exactly why and just don't want to admit it to myself. More on that later, though. Anyway, I was waiting for Taryn to get her hair cut and found myself wandering aimlessly around, right on the verge of tears, but couldn't quite make it happen. I was so fed up and frustrated, and the day before a friend had totally bailed on plans with me, but in such a way that it was kind of the last straw, but I don't know if it was really the last straw, I just felt so shitty. Anyway, I called him and left him a rather harshly worded message, about how if we were ever going to be friends it would be up to him to call me and have a plan ready to set in motion. But more terse. I'm feeling regretful of that call today, and now I don't know what to do. I kind of want to call and apologize, but what if it really was the last straw and I'm just feeling needy today? Yeah, that's probably the way it is. I don't know, I don't really want to lose this person, but I don't really want the relationship to go on the way it is. I feel taken for granted and taken advantage of. That's no good. Ok. I'm going with the I feel needy thing. My heart, my heart.

I am so disgusted with myself. I know I feel badly about Sean, and that makes me want to punch myself in the face. I knew where it was going and I fell in love with him anyway. Stupid girl. But not, because I really do love him, and I feel he's worthy of it. But he doesn't. There are no bad feelings between us, I just feel like I have nothing to hold on to all of a sudden. I am fucking confused, that's what. I honestly don't understand why I am so so so so bummed out. It just popped up, I was fine. Maybe it's because I'm stressed about money, maybe I'm freaked out about this comedy competition on Tuesday, maybe I'm sad over Sean, maybe I miss my dad....ouch, I miss my dad. So much. I got all fine about it for a couple of weeks and have been feeling very strong and together, and suddenly it all feels like it's falling through my fingers.

I can tell you this, I don't even want to be awake right now. I have no need for conciousness. I want out of my own head. I don't know how to achieve this. I mean, I can think of tremendously unhealthy ways to achieve it...but that's not what I'm gunning for. Fuck fuck fuck. Holyshit, I feel bad. Right in the pit of my stomach, all the way up to my throat, it hurts. I am so confused about everything.

Plus I was getting something from my closet this morning, which is raised up a step, and turned to step down and twisted my ankle. I don't know why I thought I could go the rest of my life without turning my ankle, but I did. I have notoriously bad ankles, and it's just never a good time to go over on one. I hate hobbling. So I'm icing it and feeling dumb. I don't think I should be around anyone today. Where to go? To the office, maybe, though it'll be unbearably hot, I think.

Gaaaaaaahh!!!!! I want to smash things. What have I done?

1 comment:

Morgan said...

My dearest:

I just spent a very long time catching up on reading your blog and I have these things to say:

-Remember when I said that you were the only person I know who could leave me a voicemail saying you were hanging out with David Lee Roth and I wouldn't find that odd? Well, you are the only person I know who could THINK they were hanging out with DLR and then find out they'd been hanging out with an imposter and I still don't find it that odd. I like that about you.

-You belong on stage.

-I am awed by your strength and your ability to work so hard at taking care of yourself. Really. Sure, it may not always work out how you intend but I really admire how hard you try. I would like to try and learn that from you.

-You are beautiful and amazing. Riding the dark and the light as you do is not easy. Hang in there. The light will come back.

-I love you so much.

xo
M