All this wandering around in circles...that's kind of what it feels like I'm doing right now. I want to go back to work, but I'm pretty sure it's not a good idea just yet. Next week, I think. I've noticed that just going a couple of places in the car is really wearing, and that it's not long before I'm doing stupid things and have to go home and get the hell out of the car. So, therefore, I'm thinkin', not such a hot idea to go back to driving for a living. I feel like I'll be more able each day.
I wander around the house and feel the fog of underachievement, (thank you to whomever it was for coining that phrase on the phone with me today....I can't remember who said it, dammit!), but also am trying to be kind to myself. Argh.
I'm missing my Poppie a lot last night and today. I went to see Peter's dad read from his new book of poems and felt a real pang when I realized I wasn't going to be in an audience, sharing my Philly with the world. I have such strong memories of being with him when he shone for a crowd. And he did shine. Could you find a funnier guy? I think not.
Usually, I find myself with nothing to say until I sit down at the keyboard, and, when I can actually get my ass in the chair and start typing, it just comes pouring out. But, now, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm processing things, but it feels hard to write. Perhaps it's the lack of activity. Although, I did have a very sweet day today.
I have a very strong attraction to a man I know who is married. (He's not in my daily circle, so y'all quit trying to figure out who it is.) He is attracted to me, too, but, obviously, we are not going to do anything about it. But it stirred something in me I haven't felt in a while. I mean, you know I love men. Doy. So very, very much. Mmmm. Men. So I see men every day, every minute practically that I think are attractive for all different reasons. Some smile back at me and there's a nice second of mutual tingling. But, this attraction to this married man....well, it's one of those ones where you know, timing being different, something really special could happen. We just slide right into easiness, comfort, the conversation is natural. And sparky, flirty. Though this won't come to pass, it does remind me what I'm looking for, and how it's worth it to wait patiently, going about the business of being my lovely, fabulous self. I have been getting kind of impatient when it comes to love, but I know it has a lot to do with looking for comfort and distraction. So this was a perfect reminder that the chemistry still happens, and mostly when I'm just doing my thang. Thanks, Mr. Married Man, who shall remain nameless. I fell asleep thinking about him last night, and it was really nice. It doesn't take much, these days.