There goes Tuesday.

My mummy was in town this weekend and it was lovely and calming to see her. She brought all kinds of yummy organic food from the okanagan. Lamb, potatoes, carrots, garlic, squash, spinach, apples. So delicious that I had to run right out and do some grocery shopping so I wouldn't let these beautiful things go to waste.

I am feeling better. I say this carefully, since we all know that my moods have been swingy at best this year. But I certainly feel like the worst of the fog of the last couple of months has lifted. I have some potential living arrangements coming down the pike, and I feel like it'll all be ok. You know? Like, it will ALL be ok.

It has been very good for me to have the last week or so mostly to myself. I mean, I've been working on this show, but my days have largely been my own. I'm going back to the flower shop on Monday, but this rest has been sorely needed. And I do feel somewhat rested.

I have a date this week. I don't know what it all means, but then, I never do. It makes me hyperventilate slightly to think about committing to one person. So I guess a slow burn would ease me into it. I was thinking that my love life was sort of free and clear these days, but how could it be? I keep myself knee deep in boys, and sometimes girls, you know, cause of how much I like them. So someone showed up in town again, and it's all sweet, but then there's this date.....let the chips fall where they may, I say. (Yeah, that's just what I say, all the time.)

Pleased to report that it's not raining today and so I will ride my bicycle to the show tonight. It leaves me a bit torn, because en bicyclette means not dressing all pretty, but the ass muscles get nice, and the bus is 2.25, each way. Let's do right by the ass muscles, shall we? All this dating, maybe I wanna make those a little rounder and higher.

It's weird to think about dating. As I told my cousin yesterday, I never know where things are going because I always kind of assume they are hanging out with me as a charitable gesture. Weird, eh? I mean, I know I'm hot, but I can never figure out why they come back, since I think I'm kind of dark and difficult. Maybe being funny helps. Probably. It's a strange thing to think so highly and so lowly of oneself at the same time. But, never let it be said that I didn't overcomplicate things.

Ok, so I'm still thinking of a move, but now I'm thinking, why stop in Toronto? Why not just make a plan to get to New York? So I'm leaning that way. Obviously, to me, anyway, it's a longer term plan. Because I'm certainly not moving to NYC to be poor there, so I gotta be smart about it. Also thinking of going back to school to get myself a barterable trade that can travel with me. I have not got the will, desire or patience to go back to University. The academic life, she is not for me. But, massage school would satisfy me on many levels. I am already a naturally gifted masseuse, and have always had the desire to practice some form of healing art, plus it's barterable and mobile. And, can do that kind of schooling and still do comedy. Anyway, it's a thought.

Hm...comedy. For some reason not booking shows, even though I keep claiming I want to. Pretty afraid of overextending myself. Will try to keep everything balanced. I don't want to get so tired and depressed again, at least not right away.

Recently someone told me that they thought that I should mention a particular person in my blog more often, that I don't mention that person enough, that it might make that person feel good, or something. Listen, this is MY blog. To write about what I want, what I'm feeling. If you are not mentioned on here as often as you would like, tough beans. Just suck it up. Because this is only a portion of what I'm thinking and feeling. Besides, you should be careful what you wish for, because what if what I want to write about you isn't what you want to hear? Hey? Didja think about that? I didn't think so. Now, back to work, people, we're not here for our health!!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My dearest daughter Riel:

Maybe by placing so much of the burden and explanation of your unrelenting feelings of grief, sadness or depression on his death you’re not being fair to yourself, Phil or his memory. Some of this recurring slough of despond might just stem from your genes, for which I, your biological father, bear some responsibility. Especially since I was so close to you during your emotionally formative years. God knows if any one significant figure in your life saddled with you with an undercurrent of overwhelming sadness it was I. Though I did do my best to try to shield you from it. You were the world to me.

I know you loved your “other dad” (a term which, out of respect for your feelings, I’ve always substituted for stepfather) miss him and feel a terrible sense of loss at his death. But the grief could be greater, more relentless than it otherwise might be because he was more of a cultural contemporary and role model, while at the same time being emotionally more at ease, less tormented and prone to depression than I. On the other hand, your relationship with him may have been more complex than with me: whose love and commitment you could always take for granted.

I’ve always insisted on honesty between us. Hope my words can be that kind of catalyst.


Your dad…