The tides the tides

Late late late and sleepless still. Every night lately has been like this, a struggle to sleep. A fight with anxiety and the desire to walk the darkened streets for hours and hours. A fight, always a fight.

I went to see The Weatherman with Nick Cage and Michael Caine tonight. It was not at all what I expected and I liked it very much. But it tore at me, there is so much about fathers and daughters and fathers and sons and fathers and dying....it got right to part of me that stings the most when you touch it. There were tears.

I sucked it up, though, to do a set at the El Cocal. It went fairly well, a nice comic told me he thinks I'm the funniest lady in town. I didn't mind hearing that. I did a couple of new jokes, one worked, one needs work.

Then I came home, (home? where is that lately?), and had tuna and a moment with my roommate in the kitchen where we discussed money and my owing and my not having and his expecting more than I thought, and all the parts of me that were already twitching with the threat of an emotional fall began to conspire to make me cry, which I did not. Which I want to now, but can't seem to.

I just lie here, thinking of my father, and how angry I am. I still need him and he is not here and it just creeps right up sometimes. I am swimming in it right now. I want to sleep, I want to run, I want my heart to stop pounding like I had injected amphetamines right into it. The mood swings are hard to contend with, since they just swing of their own accord.

My friend who broke up with me this weekend sent me another email today, apologizing for the rudeness and namecalling in the last email. But also saying that it doesn't change things. For some reason it undid me a little. As have things been undoing me all day.

And the boy who has been ignoring me threw me a proverbial bone. I had just finished a conversation with my stepmother where she reminded me that much of the emotion I am feeling has not to do with him but with the multitude of real dramas in which I am embroiled. So I relaxed and thought, I deserve better, I give it up to the Gods. He emailed me not minutes later and it was just enough to keep me dangling yet not enough to satisfy.

I am already out of this house and in Toronto in my head. How to keep here and keep plugging at the packing? How indeed. It is too easy to say yes I can see you today, yes I have time. I have no time. And now I have promised myself to two things tomorrow. Foolish, foolish girl.

Where is the person who will just hold me and hold me without asking why they have to? Just to hold me, so I know I'm not alone in it. Words are okay, but I need the calming of touch. I feel like I am in the middle of the desert, the sun directly above me, nothing on the horizon but blue sky in all directions, and all directions are the same direction, no way to tell where to go. I know the sun will begin to descend, and if I just have patience I will move in my desired path, but just this minute, I feel lost.

So said me.



Anonymous said...

Hi, it's me, Anonymous. From before, when you got all wound up. Now don't get into a flap and send the Blogger Elves on some sort of screening mission or anything. I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through a hard time with your friend right now. It sounds like you are trying really hard to do the right thing here and keep it together in the midst of a lot of other turmoil in your life. I know you've had a rough few months (not to mention the whole year, really) but there has been a change in the tenor of your posts. You appear to be developing some keen personal insight. You are maintaining a forward focus in spite of everything. You are working hard. You have an emerging wholistic perspective. From here, it looks good. Keep going.

That's all I wanted to say.

That, and you are not alone.

Infidelia said...

Thank you. I wish I knew who you were. I'm glad you're still reading. I certainly did get all wound up. Sometimes a person does. I try not to, but sometimes people like to wind me up, because I get a bit hilariously wound. Where are you? What is your story? In the daylight it is easier not to feel alone, it is the night that can get to me.

Anonymous said...

Stay unwound - it looks good on you.

You know it's a bit of a theme of your writing that when you are feeling down you crave physical contact. While I fully understand that desire, especially when you are in the throes of a depression or an emotional downturn, I want you to think about where you have come from and where you are going. The embrace that you will eventually enjoy will be so much fuller, so complete and fulfilling, for your patience in searching for it. You are a different person than you were, and you will be a different person still in the future. What I mean to say is: you are evolving into the kind of person who will attract the kind of person whose embrace you will truly connect with on all of the levels you need. Wait for it.

Infidelia said...

Yes, yes, you are right about that. It has been a theme my whole life. Even as a small child. Touch has always calmed me. Funnily enough, I think going to massage school will allay that a little. As touch is touch for me.

I appreciate the tenderness in your current insights, and the truth.

I wonder...when you say it looks good on me, if you know that to be true. I only wonder because at least once a day in the last few months someone has mentioned how good I am looking. I am aware that I am no longer wearing my grief and fear like a botched makeover, but I am sure it is more than just relief, and the joy of being headed the right way. Of finding my true place. And of drinking lots of water.

You make me so curious about you.