Late late late and sleepless still. Every night lately has been like this, a struggle to sleep. A fight with anxiety and the desire to walk the darkened streets for hours and hours. A fight, always a fight.
I went to see The Weatherman with Nick Cage and Michael Caine tonight. It was not at all what I expected and I liked it very much. But it tore at me, there is so much about fathers and daughters and fathers and sons and fathers and dying....it got right to part of me that stings the most when you touch it. There were tears.
I sucked it up, though, to do a set at the El Cocal. It went fairly well, a nice comic told me he thinks I'm the funniest lady in town. I didn't mind hearing that. I did a couple of new jokes, one worked, one needs work.
Then I came home, (home? where is that lately?), and had tuna and a moment with my roommate in the kitchen where we discussed money and my owing and my not having and his expecting more than I thought, and all the parts of me that were already twitching with the threat of an emotional fall began to conspire to make me cry, which I did not. Which I want to now, but can't seem to.
I just lie here, thinking of my father, and how angry I am. I still need him and he is not here and it just creeps right up sometimes. I am swimming in it right now. I want to sleep, I want to run, I want my heart to stop pounding like I had injected amphetamines right into it. The mood swings are hard to contend with, since they just swing of their own accord.
My friend who broke up with me this weekend sent me another email today, apologizing for the rudeness and namecalling in the last email. But also saying that it doesn't change things. For some reason it undid me a little. As have things been undoing me all day.
And the boy who has been ignoring me threw me a proverbial bone. I had just finished a conversation with my stepmother where she reminded me that much of the emotion I am feeling has not to do with him but with the multitude of real dramas in which I am embroiled. So I relaxed and thought, I deserve better, I give it up to the Gods. He emailed me not minutes later and it was just enough to keep me dangling yet not enough to satisfy.
I am already out of this house and in Toronto in my head. How to keep here and keep plugging at the packing? How indeed. It is too easy to say yes I can see you today, yes I have time. I have no time. And now I have promised myself to two things tomorrow. Foolish, foolish girl.
Where is the person who will just hold me and hold me without asking why they have to? Just to hold me, so I know I'm not alone in it. Words are okay, but I need the calming of touch. I feel like I am in the middle of the desert, the sun directly above me, nothing on the horizon but blue sky in all directions, and all directions are the same direction, no way to tell where to go. I know the sun will begin to descend, and if I just have patience I will move in my desired path, but just this minute, I feel lost.
So said me.