Chasing the Love Carrot.

You know what it is about Steve Martin? It's the way he's so incredibly goofy and completely intellectual at the same time. I was just watching "The Lonely Guy". Paul was watching with me and couldn't quite get over the weirdness of it, but I think that's where it's charm is. It's like an external rendering of the internal experience of how weird it is to be human. If you get my drift. Each experience of each of his characters has layers. There is the worldly truth of it, what an eyewitness would describe. But then there is how you feel inside the experience. When he is embarassed to be dining alone and to illustrate it so painfully the other diners stop talking and a spotlight is shone on him while he is shown to his table and the extraneous place settings are cleared away. I think he's my very favorite. I like his tendency towards the fantastic. Kind of magic realism. Think "LA Story" and "Picasso at the Lapin Agile".

Anyways, I was just thinking about that. I have been thinking and thinking and thinking lately and now my back has gone out. Obviously, related. Taking a weird break from doing shows. Had to cancel tonight due to back pain...standing and walking bad times. Haven't done a set since last Saturday. And haven't booked anything...well, anything, really. Think, think, think.

Less time doing comedy, more time to brood. That seems to be the equation. Harumph. Oh, well. Haven't had a really purposeful brood lately. Might as well sink my teeth into it. Perhaps if the sun came out.

When the love carrot is dangled in front of you, do you chase it? There must be a less futile way. Oh, you know, things linger. Just having some thinks about love. Who I have loved, why...who I haven't, why not. Sometimes it seems circular, but every once in a while I'll realize something I haven't before, or see something in a different way. Those are good moments. Every time a penny drops I think, "Now, see? That was worth sticking around for." Same when I think of a good joke. I have some good new jokes.

Hey, that's right. I have new jokes I want to try!! Dammit!! I was really looking forward to the show I had to cancel tonight. Too bad. The host was very kind, though, and not angry, which I guess it would be silly to be since I'm on my back and there's no real getting around that. Perhaps if I was 20 I would put myself through the agony, but not today, my friends, not today.

Where was I going with that? Oh, yes. That's right. I have some new things I want to try and therefore ought to book some shows. Huh. See right there, a little penny drop happened and I realized how much I want to do a show, not put it off for more weeks. Yay, doing shows!

That felt nice.




Anonymous said...

I have been reading this blog for a few months now and I have been thinking about your life and how you appear to be living it. You seem to be wallowing quite a bit. You take little responsibility for changing your lot. You don't seem to appreciate the power you have to live whatever kind of life you choose. Your back hurts because you don't exercise. You are poor because you have chosen to pursue comedy instead of a traditional career. You are not in a relationship because you are too self involved. The choice is yours, Infidelia. Either embrace your choices fully and accept the ramifications or make changes. But for god's sake quit with the whining already.

Infidelia said...

Why do you read this blog if you don't like whining? I have chosen this as a place to evacuate what otherwise might stew in my head and cause me to live a life I don't enjoy. I enjoy my life. Immensely. If it upsets you to read my detritus, go elsewhere for your pick me up.

Initially I chose to write here to help expel my grief over my dying/now dead father. It helps. I also wanted to be able to dissect the journey of it, so as to understand the experience as fully as I could.

We all have periods in our lives, Anonymous, (very brave, I might add), where we are down, or confused, or sad, or questioning, or quiet, or contrite, or retreative, or anything you can imagine. It's what makes walking through this life a rich tapestry of experience. Never doubt for a moment that I suck up everything this life has to offer. I live very hard, and sometimes I hurt, physically or emotionally, due to such living. But I am the closest I have ever been to living the kind of life I choose.

I am sure, Anonymous, that your interior life is not all sunshine and roses, and here, on this blog, my interior life is what you are being exposed to.

If you are someone I know then this is a very cowardly post indeed, if you are not, then you have no idea whether I exercise. So keep a civil tongue in your head and live the way you choose, as will I.