Soooooo...it's been a few days...a lot has happened in these few days. Why don't we start with Sean. Why not, right? What the hell else is my brain occupying itself with. Not much. So we weren't talking. I was managing to only call every few days. I was feeling very uptight and weird about the whole thing. He wasn't there at the El Cocal. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time. You know the feeling.
Fuck it. I was going to give you an in depth spiel about the last few days...but. But. What. I am too irritated with falling in love. I remember now why I've avoided it so pointedly for so long. It fucking sucks. I mean, for those few sparkling moments every once in a while it is heady and wonderful. For a minute. Then it's all messy due to another person being involved.
And make no mistake, I love Sean. He's freaked out. I mean, the guy has a right to be in a messy space. But I have been yo yoed around enough this month. I feel like I have enough strength to get us both through this time, but only if he lets me do it. His fighting me is too much. I don't know, right now he seems to think that his problems are the worst problems anyone has. Like, we all have our shit, man.
David Lee Roth was helpful for a minute...if it's actually him. There have been some reports of IMPOSTERY!! I don't know, though. I've spent some time with him this week and I'm pretty sure it's him. I don't know how it couldn't be him. The guy's a maniac. Anyway, he knows how much I love Sean and is bucking for it to work, so that's nice, that he's on my side. Unless he's out of his tree and turns out to be psycho and not DLR, because then Sean will hate him and all things associated with him.
Sean Sean Sean Sean Sean. It's a fucking loop in my head.
Anyway....I'm going to give up boys and get very skinny and chain smoke and become bitter and angry and be a rich and famous skinny, angry, bitter, chain smoking stand up comedian who largely alienates all those around her in order to finally achieve the peace and quiet she is so desperate for.
Ok....so...we weren't talking, then I randomly ran into DLR and introduced myself, and he called Sean from my phone, and Sean responded and all of a sudden we were talking again, then he needed to be rescued from his house, where the cops were kicking him out because someone had to leave for the night and his wife has no friends or anything....so Sean called me. So he stayed with me most of the week. And I did what I could. We went to comedy shows...he's so brilliant. We fucked and ate and talked and laughed and woke up grotesquely early and I drove him to work and he called me five times a day...and we went out with DLR one night to play pool and at the end of the night after we dropped David off Sean got very jealous and thought something was going on with me and David, (may I add here, ewwww), and I calmed him down about that, and he said, "If you don't want to be with me, just tell me...", and I was like, "Idiot, why would I put myself through all this, I want to be with you", and he said he wanted to be with me, too....so you can see I didn't get into this all by myself. He's crazy about me. He told me he loves me.
Now he has conveniently forgotten his part in all of this and yesterday said that I was too intense, (I'd like to quote him as saying, days ago, "God, Riel, you are so intense, I totally love it"), and I was moving too fast, and I wanted things he couldn't give, and how could I love him so soon...etc. The man is out of his tree right now. So we're not talking again. Forever? Maybe. Fuck it. I hate this.
I have to say, I'm sort of glad to be reminded that my heart works. I haven't felt like this in ten years. But I hope this doesn't make it go back into hibernation for another ten years.
I don't know. I think it's time to spend some time getting an agent and getting a direction in mind.
Stretch Mouth'd Rascalls are playing in Bellingham first two weekends in June. I am trying to book standup shows. Not getting much response right now. Grn grn. Actually, I don't think anything's different there. Things are still ticking along. I'm just in a crappy mood.
Plus I fell off a bike on Thursday night and am kind of sore. Sore outsides, sore insides. Hiding in my basement, not enjoying the glorious weather we're having today. Yesterday I loved it, but today, it can fuck right off.
I think I'm still funny, though. If not even funnier. Why is angry and annoyed so funny? I think it's because you say fuck all the time.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHG! I miss him. I hate him. I love him. I want to kick him in the teeth. I want to shake him. I want to kiss him. I want to yank him by the shirt collar and get him moving forward. I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I can't stop thinking about it.
Are you bored yet? Too bad. It's my blog.
Again, I say, AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHG!!
He could be a bit tender with me. I don't think it would kill him.