3.30.2005

I got it!

A very good friend of mine told me never to forget this feeling. I had the most amazing set last night at the Urban Well.

(By the way, I'm at the El Cocal tonight).

Yesterday was the strangest day.

It started out with a trip to the doctor for an early morning cold speculum injection. It's true. Nothing like a pelvic exam to start your day. Cracks me up when my doctor is all chatty while she's got two fingers shoved up my woo.

Then I had a nice lunch with my good friend Siobhan.

Then it got weird.

I went to a therapy appointment and talked about my dad and was all over the map with being sad and angry and confused and disappointed and tired.....I just kind of wanted to punch things, and I was being kind of obstinate about talking about things, and my therapist, while a nice woman, maybe is too nice. I don't know. Anyway, I left there feeling very edgy and went off to my next thing.

On the way over the Burrard bridge I was all unfocused and weepy and nearly killed me and at least two other carloads....nothing actually happened, but I wasn't paying attention and had to swerve to miss slamming into the back of someone. This made me even edgier.

So I show up where I'm supposed to meet this friend to get his cd from him, and I'm all weepy and punchy and it becomes very apparent that we want to be more than friends, which is complicated for various reasons, well, one reason....mr. married. So we're going to be friends, but first we have to get past the part where we admitted we've been wanting each other since we first met a couple of years ago, and he admitted that he shows up to comedy nights hoping I will be there. (He's a comic, as well, so it's not weird that he's hanging around comedy nights). Then we kissed. I know. I know! Then we agreed to just hang out. I have to make decisions that are better for me than I used to. I'd rather end up with a close friend and colleague that respects me than a mashed up heart and a guy that looks at me like I ruined his life. But I will say that I think this happened to remind me how I don't want anything less than to be totally adored and cherished. Because that's what I give of myself. So this stuff with trying to look cool and not call me for days because that seems cooler....it's such bullshit. I hate bullshit. If you like me, just like me. Because if I like you, I have no patience for your games. Let's just get on with the liking, that's the meaty good stuff.

He's the second person in a short time to bring up how intense I am. I have been deluding myself into thinking I could be not intense, but forget it. I am totally intense. So. There.

So then I raced off to my show at the Well and had the best fucking set. My stepmother was there, which was so great. I really wanted her to see me do well at what I love to do, and she did. It's important to me that the people close to me know as well as I do that I'm doing the right thing with my life. I finally figured out how to be myself on stage, and that I can trust that if I just get up there and start talking about shit, my jokes will fall where they need to.

I'm at the El Cocal tonight, so we'll see if I can continue the learning curve.

Now really really late for a rehearsal.

x
r.

2 comments:

Sword Play said...

Congrats on your set and break a leg in Bellingham, wish I could be there (well part of me does, the lazy part is happy to be loafing at the office with my DS Nintendo).

Intense isn't a bad thing to be, it means you're still alive and all the sytems are still working, just reved higher than normal for a while.

If there's any justice you'll be a comedy superstar, if there's no justice you'll be one and get a shitty sit-com with a sassy talking robot.

Sword Play said...
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