Ah, the rollercoaster. She is coasting. And rollering. Have been moody as hell lately. Lots of factors. Relearning who the real girl is, having gone off my celexa/citalopram...SSRI...Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitor...anti anxiety meds. I like being off them, because for sure I feel like myself again. I don't think I really thought I didn't feel like myself, but I knew there was a fog in my brain. (Not a frog in my throat, which is why I sort of quit smoking pot). Anyway, the fog in my brain has lifted, and several things have returned to me which I was forgetting lived in me. Like my body image is a bit screwy again. Definitely looking at myself with a much more critical eye. And I am a moooody beeyatch. Yup, for sure. Easily tipped into a funk or, more likely, an inner monologue tantrum of epic proportions. There is a lot more swearing and several more revenge fantasies in my brain. And the anxiety. Back. However...I like it better. It's weird, because I thought if those things came back I would immediately want to run back to the meds, but I don't. I LIKE being myself. And I like being in a different place, with new life skills and goals, and new coping mechanisms. It's a like a whole new challenge. We'll see in a couple of months if the bitchiness smooths out, but, if it doesn't, I think maybe I'm okay with that. I just want to work.
I suspect I could really pick this whole thing apart, this rollercoaster, and lots of my current emotional state could be attributed to external issues. Like the chaotic state of our apartment. Having my stuff packed and the walls open with fiberglass hanging out, and dust everywhere, and shoddy tradesmen, and not having my own space, free of garbage and intrusions....it's making my neck muscles pulsate. Anyway, it's an interesting time. I'll tell you this much, it's making me a better writer and a better comic. I need the nerves. Plus, being bitchier makes me less social, which makes me concentrate more on the work. I suspect a cull of less thick skinned friends is in the offing. Not purposely, but I have a feeling some people will just slide themselves out of the picture.
Had sets last night at Yuk Yuk's and the night before at Darby's. Oh, LORD, do I love being back. I want to get on at the Funnybone, the newest Vancouver club, but it's big, and I have some work to do. I think I must be evolving in some way, because yesterday when I told Sean Proudlove that I want to do the Funnybone, he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "You're gonna have to work a lot harder". Instead of getting uptight or upset about it, I was, like, "Yah, no kidding". Because I do. Because he didn't mean I have to work a lot harder at everything in the entire world all the time, he wasn't saying I don't work hard, he just meant, if I want to do rooms like that, then I am going to have to dedicate myself to the craft for real. And he's right. And I am. So. Hopefully by the end of March I will have a solid 30-45 minute set. I think it's a realistic goal. I mean, I can do a pretty tight 10-15, with lots of leftover material, but I'm going to have to start pushing to book longer sets, so I can see how it goes. And hosting, I'm going to have to start hosting. All the stuff everyone else is doing. It hits home when I see where the guys are now who started at the same time as me and just put their heads down and didn't get derailed by personal tragedy or theatre in the countryside.
So here it is. My life. Harder, but better. So, maybe easier for all it harderness. Anyway, just getting used to myself again. It's an interesting war, Art.