Tiny, melting snowmen - a Vancouver winter

It snows, it snows. For some reason it seems out of place to me, unexpected. I don't know what I thought the winter would be like, but probably I was thinking there wasn't even going to be a winter. Working out the logistics of working somewhere well heated where looking nice is paramount, and commuting trying to avoid the chill, the mud soaked pantlegs, hat hair, frizz.

Got a bus pass today, feel like royalty. Love not looking for change all the time, know that at least for this month, I can get up and go anytime. Finding the pace of commuting rather pleasant, if not the early mornings. Like the time on the bus, listening to my ipod, breathing deep to maintain patience. Trying to get a better bead on the timing of things, as have found that if I'm not running late, then it is much easier to keep a level head and a self satisfied smirk.

Am I making sense? I don't feel like I'm making too much sense lately.

Need to get this move over and done with, have taken my sweet ass time, though for good reasons.

Have been thinking a lot about the trip to Toronto. I think as much as it ignited something, it scared me, too. Siobhan said it best when she quoted Ross Geller (David Schwimmer, in real life) and said, "Nobody likes change". It's kind of true. I mean, it's kind of how I feel about flying. I like being at another destination, but I don't like getting there. I like the other side of change, the growth, the lesson, whatever form it takes, but I find the actual changing to be quite upleasant. Committing full time to standup scares me. I love it so much, what if I never get anywhere with it?

I am having a bit of an artist's think, it seems. Wondering if I can do all the things I want without compromising any of them. What compromises am I willing to make? Mostly, where do I want being a standup comic to lead? I love the Stretch Mouth'd Rascalls, (we had the most amazing trip to Bellingham this past weekend, by the way.), I don't want to give that up, but where is it taking me? Where do I want it to take me? Anywhere? Can it just be what it is and can I keep it and love it for that? If I do that, what bites does is take out of my standup?

Honestly, it just occurred to me that it feels quite luxurious to be contemplating these questions. Very first world issues.

What if I never leave Vancouver for the rest of my life? What if I leave and never come back? If my brother moves to Toronto, can it be far behind for me? I hate being apart from my brother. He took a short job in Toronto and so won't be back until late December. I'm keeping my fingers crossed he makes it home for my birthday, Dec. 21st. That's all I really want for my birthday. My brother around.



miss sara said...

Right! December 21st!!! I knew the number 1 was in there somewhere...AH-HA!!!! La-La-La...

Anonymous said...

Do something decisive. Save up your Christmas dinero from your sad retail gig and go to Toronto. Make a real move. Work it. Commit. Really try to make it happen for yourself. You are playing that game with yourself: well if I don't really try then I can't have truly failed. For the love of god, woman, quit surrounding yourself with built-in excuses and make a freakin' stab at it. Jeez.

By the way, it's me. Anonymous.

Infidelia said...

yeah, yeah, figured it was you. you do understand what place this blog has in my world, right? and that i am making moves and doing things? these are the existential questions that hang around in my head and beg for a valve. the blog is the valve. i release the steam of existential angst so i can get on with things. so don't get your knickers in a twist, anonymous. don't think that what's in this blog is everything there is to me. i am stabbing at it. i am making choices. so.

fuck, i wish i knew who you were. it bothers me.


Anonymous said...

Um, no. You misunderstand me. Or you choose to ignore my real message. Either way, let's start again: while I realize you do in fact have your oar in the waters of stand up, you have yet to pilot a transatlantic crossing, if you know what I'm saying. To continue with this this old chestnut of a metaphor: you don't really know if you can do it unless you are strapped to the proverbial mast in a serious squall. Sink or swim. Okay, now I am bordering on mixing the metaphors but you get my drift (no pun intended). If you are posing on the pool deck in your PFD you'll never really know. God, I know you are "doing things". We're all "doing things". But there's levels.


miss sara said...

I don't whether being pushed to take risks and go for what you love is like --really what people need and anonymous is taking that role of -go-go-go...You can do even better than you are or something--is really cool what you need. Or if you need to go at this at your own pace --which seems steady and in the right direction. Sometimes doing what feels right and comfortable is good; sometimes it holds us back. I guess great thing about Life is-it is mostly your choice.

ps: sorry I was a flake and didn't go shopping--boy did I ever want to!! I was talked out of it. :0[

Anonymous said...

Okay, Miss Sara (if that is your real name), Infidelia already has a friend like you which is why she needs a friend like me. You can give her hugs and listen and nod and agree with everything she says, and I will tell her the truth. I will push her. I am merely expressing my confidence in her ability to succeed, to achieve what she has the capacity to achieve. I believe we both serve an invaluable purpose in dear Infidelia's life. She is lucky to have you and she likely feels lucky to have you all of the time. As for me, not so much. But that's okay. We don't always like what we need.

A bientot.

Infidelia said...

Hey, anonymous, back off Sara. Which IS her real name, by the way. I don't mind you telling me what you perceive to be the truth, I really don't. You sometimes hit the right notes, and sometimes not. But leave my friends alone. The people who know me, and it becomes more obvious that you do not, know that I have taken plenty of risks in my life and that now is probably the time to make decisions with a little more consideration. They also know I have carefully carved out a good plan for the coming year. Even my mother thinks it's a good plan, and she's the first one to tell me the hard truths. The second was my stepdad, and his voice still rings plenty in my head. Not to mention my stepmother, my friend Peter, my friend Siobhan, my friend Sean...all willing to tell me the stuff that's sometimes hard to hear. Piled on a heap of other people, all of whom know me well, and love me still.

I wondered who you were, if I knew you, if you knew me. If you think that my life is lacking those who will tell it to me straight, it is clear you don't know me at all, except through this blog. So say what you like, I know in my gut I am on the right path, and I plan to stick to my fucking plan for once.

I am going to try to have it all before I narrow it down. Now settle down and eat your popcorn.


Anonymous said...

Find where your success is as an artist. What makes you happy as an artist..how do you define it?

Also, give the stand up thing a shot. I say go for it.

SO what if you don't end up the next Ellen or whomever. It is about the journey, isn't it??

Also, nothing wrong with having a "straight" job AND being an artist. No need to suffer to be funny or creative. I think that is a myth.

miss sara said...

woah-woah...wow! i agree that it is ok to have so called straight job and be an artist at the same time. many have and continue to do that.

i do think that there is a place for the people that push others to do things etc--i have them--but sometimes they really bring me down. or make me do (or think i should be doing) things that -well god damnit-i'll do at my own pace or if i want to. i just wanted miss infidelia to trust herself.

she has a enormous amount of love from people and gets the tough love and the soft love...and sexy love.

i am not here to be the go-go-go friend--in fact i feel like i am not really there/here enough--but this blog gives me a little window of space to show *my* love. which is gentle.

anonymous cares about infidelia i know (in the many forms anonymous comes in). but sometimes people just need space to do their own thing, on their clock...man.

i am kind of talking to me too-in case you can't already tell. i have the friends that tell me --oh you should be doing this- why aren't you doing that etc-etc...and sometimes it helps and other times it really doesn't. i like it when i hear--great idea!1 go for it...etc.


Anonymous said...

This is bonkers.

The warrior princess has been doing stand-up for years!

A very small, select audience has benefitted greatly.