The holidays, the holidays. My eyes are so big and round right now. So caught in the headlights of boxing week sales. The never ending line up of people, all with questions, and in a hurry, and returns and exchanges and post over indulgence impatience and snappishness. It does take it out of a girl, though I maintained my good humour right up until the end of today. Where I just got tired. I snapped at my baby brother. Not without good reason, mind you, but without good timing. It did not take long to get unmad, though. It's just not good for the two of us to be angry at each other. We're each others' favorites. I'm excited to get a full night's sleep tonight.
I had the sweetest birthday. Oh, did I. In case you were wondering how it went, after all that mentioning. My dear friend PJ took me to the Canucks/Oilers game, and though we lost it was so so fun. I drank draft beer through a straw, and bounced around in my jersey, (purchased at a playoff game during the Canucks/Leafs series in '94..you, know, the good year), and yelled and made friends with everyone around us. And a lovely looking man in front of me made friends with me, and then called me the next day for a date. So that was nice, though should be mentioned not useful in any long term sense. Then we went and drank like fishes and more and more friends came, and Chris claims I got screechy, but I say boisterous. Anyway, it was delicious, that's for sure. Much birthday satisfaction.
Christmas was much the same, in terms of being satisfying. Though for different reasons. We went for Chinese food with some friends and family and another nice Jewish family we know also happened to be at the same Chinese restaurant. I love Jews on Christmas. Eatin' Chinese and waking up late and getting the day off but without stress. Also was the first night of Chanukah, which I am quietly celebrating by myself in my new little pad, with the menorah my stepfather gave me the year we were alone together in Los Angeles. The menorah itself it a bit worse for wear, not to mention the many moves it's been through since leaving stateside, and the candles are dollar store birthday candles, silver and fast burning. Chanukah lasts about three minutes. They are covered in this weird silver paint and sputter and crackle in a fire hazard kind of way, but I am very comforted by the entire moment. I have a nice photo of both my dads together, years ago, and I have it near the menorah. My guys.
I had an epiphany two nights ago. Maybe three. Yes, Christmas eve I had it. I was trying to figure out why I've been feeling so good and happy lately. It's because I'm not mad anymore. At anyone. I'm just free of anger. I mean, cut me off in traffic or be rude to me at the till and you could still make the little hairs on the back of my neck get prickly, followed by tone also getting prickly. I mean, no stale anger. Nothing leftover, carried over, strung through. Like, I'm over whatever came before, and it's ok now. I want to talk about this more, about how I think it's due almost entirely for the change in my relationship with my bio dad. It just feels very, very good, and I feel remarkably healed, and so very loving of him. And loved by him. So...I like the way things are.
By the way, if you ARE my bio dad, call me, because I'm not somewhere with a landline anymore and my cell phone is really expensive long distance and I don't have the internet at home so my email is going back to erratic.
If you are NOT my bio dad...um...you can call me, too, I guess, but I don't mean it the same way. For him it's, like, call me now, for you it's, like, call me whenever. Right?