My horoscope said that today I would likely experience agony and ecstasy. Waiting for the better half of that to kick in. Who would have thought I could feel so low when the sky is so pretty?

I am down down down today. Totally waiting for the flood of tears, totally can't make it happen. Have considered throwing the bad art I've been making at something or someone instead of crying. Anything. I am twisting in the wind today, waiting for this blackness to pass. I guess that's the new bit of things in my life. Understanding that it will pass. I fucking hope it passes, cause my heart is crumbling into dust and that dust is filling up my lungs and making it hard to breathe or think.

I don't know how honest to be with you. I have been trying so hard to stay focused on my health, and the last couple of months I have really let things go to pot. Literally. I've been drinking, smoking dope, staying up late, doing too many things...it was fun for a while, but then I was on the hamster wheel and it just got gross. I have the feeling no one has noticed a difference in me, I mean, I go to work, I do shows, I get out...but this pain in my heart, I'm sure it's why I've been doing it. To avoid this very feeling right now. I have known that there was a love I would have to give up sooner or later, and when it was obvious that it was on the brink, I guess I didn't want to feel it. But now, today, after cleaning up my act a bit I can feel every goddamned thing and it fucking sucks. I don't even know how to get past it. It has been such a long time since I faced this particular kind of loss. Somewhere in me I suppose I thought that after my dad died nothing would be able to cause me pain, but lo and behold.

I am so lonesome right now, and stupidly sure that I will grow old by myself in this one bedroom apartment, get a stinky little dog and make the neighbours' business my own. How is this where things have led me? I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a good round of tears will be helpful, and, by the way, here they come. Good thing the internet isn't made of paper or this entry would be soaked.

I have to go and have this cry. Fucksack.

1 comment:

miss sara said...

hugs. you are not alone...