Fine, I'll write something.

Have been dreaming about my father again. Dreamed he came back from the dead. Well, actually, that he had never died, but we thought he did, and then he was perfectly healthy and everything. In the dream I was confused about how to feel. I kept thinking, "How do I tell everyone? How do I suddenly not be grieving?" It was weird. I dreamed about him again last night, he was just around, not even a whisper that he had ever been ill, everything was just normal.

Having said that, I also dreamed I did a half hour stand up set in front of a huge audience, like a few thousand people, in a great big beautiful theatre, and that they LOVED it. It was elating, I'll tell you what.

So I'm still here, muddling through. Trying to ease my schedule a bit, get myself back up outta the dumps. This depression has hit me very hard. I feel a bit...crumpled. And panicky. I was playing online scrabble with my brother today, chatting with him on messenger, when he disappeared. Didn't take his turn, didn't answer my messages, didn't answer his phone....I freaked out. My roommate laughed at me so hard, my brother called me back and got annoyed with me. But I couldn't help it. I don't usually go to worst case scenario panic mode, but I completely imagined him dead on his floor for some reason. It was weird and I didn't like it. I think I better start meditating or something. I gotta calm down.

Ok, going to work now. I think I should start taking jobs that pay me.


1 comment:

miss sara said...

i don't think freaking out because your brother didn't reply or answer is laughable. perfectly reasonable considering your huge loss. i would have panicked too. the fear of loss is overwhelming at times and even more so for you now. try not to be hard on yourself. xo