not back. not yet. i'm starting to get a bit squirrelly, but i don't want to come back until i'm very, very ready. i can't afford to slip back to where i was. i am grateful as hell that i have somewhere to be and the love and support available to really heal from this.
have been reading voraciously, thank god, since i kind of thought i'd lost my juice for it for a while. mostly, i thought i lost my brain. but it's honing again. it's been a big relief to make a decision to give up performing standup for a while. i'm starting to realize, as i peel away the layers of stress from my life, what a terribly stressful existence i've built for myself. so i have to kind of start again. from the ground up. i have a lot of building to do. i am just going to try to do my best every day. which i don't think i've allowed myself to do before. i've always beat myself up for not doing better every day. so.
it remains a rollercoaster. last couple of days i feel the anxiety lifting, and it's been sweet. i've been dreaming a lot, too, which i hadn't for a while. or, rather, for a while when i got my dreams back they were very difficult and full of unrest. they still sometimes are, but some nights, like the night before last, i get a night of sweet, peaceful, joyful dreams. i had a flying dream, and i can't remember the last time i had one of those. those are my most favourite ever, i never want to wake from them. the way i can fly is amazing in the very best of them. i can just think of being light and my body lifts off the ground and soars upwards until i am so high above everything and i can swoop and dive and spin in the air. oh, it's lovely. and the feeling kind of stays with me, or can be recalled, for days after the dream. it's a bit disappointing that i can't actually make it happen in real life, i'll tell you that.
i have crossed a nice line, i think, but am also deeply understanding that recovery is a much longer process than i have ever let it be before, and that there will still be very difficult days. i'm not gladdened by the bad days, but i'm learning to just let them happen, and let everyone around me know that they are happening, and not to be imposing about the mood. every minute i am thinking what is the right thing to do, and trying to do that. take care of myself and do the next right thing. breathe, and remember what will be the healthiest thing for me. eating well, going for walks, though some days it is harder than others to get myself up and out. today i almost didn't go for a walk at all, but then i did. kind of like flossing my teeth. just take the time and do it right, and the end results are better. if i don't do anything worth beating myself up over, then i can't beat myself up. neat.
i think the prozac is probably working. it's hard to tell because maybe i would have felt better without it, but also, maybe not. at the very least it's certainly not doing any harm. yesterday and today, especially, i have felt like it's taking hold. which is, scientifically speaking, about the right timing. just over three weeks now. i have an appointment with a psychiatrist, the one who saw me in the hospital, on thursday to do a check in with how the meds are going. i want to talk to her about the anxiety, because i don't want to up the dosage or anything, so i want to learn to live with a little if i have to, so i don't get too medicated. i don't want any fogginess or lethargy. i just want to be able to take care of myself. one foot in front of the other.
anyway, today i was really wishing i was in vancouver, because i'm a teeny bit lonely, but it's really okay, because i mostly need the solitude, and i was really only lonely for a couple of hours, and it wasn't sad, just kind of restless. i talk to the dog and cat a lot. i was hanging out with my buddy jane quite a bit, but she went to belize on sunday for three weeks. i have a couple of other friends up here, and i'm going to go stay a night in salmon arm and see a movie with my friend kim, so that will be good. it's the first time i've started to feel like i kind of want my life back, though. which is positive. i wasn't sure that feeling was going to come. i thought maybe i would never want to come back. but now i'm kind of looking forward to things.
when i was back for a couple of days i got a call out of the blue and booked a gig in campbell river in may for the rascalls, a well paying gig, and i got pretty excited about that. and i think we're going to play in bellingham for a weekend the end of february. and another friend and i talked on the phone for, like, two hours, (he is a remarkable friend), and he said he wants to submit a team to Ultimate Improv Challenge at Theatresports with me....we are going to call the team, "and you will know us by the trail of bread". for some reason improv doesn't inspire the same level of terror in me that stand up does. i'm really looking forward to doing improv shows. and writing. oh. my. god. i've started to be able to see how i could live very happily as a writer.
tomorrow i'm going to bust out the paints and make some art. i've been taking lots of pictures, too. thanks to my buddy garnet for lending me his digital camera. very generous.
in addition to the many books and smarty pants magazines i've been devouring, (smarticles, i've decided to call them, in harper's and the new yorker, you know the kind), i've been watching movies. sweet jesus, where have i been? talladega nights, little miss sunshine, a prairie home companion, no direction home and shopgirl. all have appealed to different parts of me. it's good to have so much input. filling the well.
okay. that is, as titled, where it's at.
thank you all for your kindness and understanding. the love that has been offered, (and there is more than i can believe, and from places i didn't expect), is so gratefully accepted and is going a long way towards my mending. i am in awe of all of your capacity for forgiveness and tenderness.