I am not the ray of sunshine I once thought I would be.

Still pretty tense, y'all. Finding moments of relaxation, which is good. Getting lots of different input from people. The places I find it easiest to be are places where I am alone or with people who could care less whether I am edgy or not. There seems to be a faction that is pushing for myself to cheer up, and soon. That doesn't make it better. I think I have to stop going out for social occasions for a while. I'm just not that good with people. And I think this edginess is going to go on for...god, I don't know. I hope not too much longer.

I am trying, I really am. When the renovations are done and the drywall dust doesn't cover every available surface with a fine, powdery reminder of the state of our home, and the tradesmen are gone, having FINALLY done something right, (we hope), and my things can get unpacked for the first time since May, and I can settle and have a sanctuary, I expect things to be much, much better. I know my work as a comic is proving very challenging, but I am becoming fairly certain that much of my delicate state is due to the upheaved and chaotic living environment.

I am on my way tomorrow morning to the Caravan Farm Theatre, to work as Front of House for their Halloween show. It's a week long gig, and normally I would really be looking forward to the gettin' outta Dodge and into the woods for a bit, but I want to stay here and do shows. It's only a week, but the momentum is the momentum. I wrote so much new material this past week, I'm dying to try it out. I have no idea how it's going to go over, it's definitely different than what I've done before. Dirtier, more confessional. I'm pretty scared. Which, of course, leads me to believe it's the most important direction for me to take. Always do the scariest thing. (Unless you are being approached by a bear, or are accidentally hanging from a tree branch growing out of the side of a cliff, in which case the least scary thing is probably the right thing, you can't do without fear entirely).

Just then I sort of hated myself for being glib right after being sort of deep. I feel cheap sometimes when I lighten things up. Weird, since it's my JOB to make light. What a freakin' connundrum I am to myself.

Here's a strange thought that just went through my head...lately I am really reminding myself of myself as a little girl. So serious and shy and worried.

People have been asking why I have to get edgy and aggressive to go further as a comic. I don't know, but I think it's a bit of defense. Defense against the strange world of misfits that is comedy and their (our) barbed and insecure ways. Defense against my own desire not to be too vulnerable. My sensitivity, I think, is both my greatest gift and my biggest stumbling block. It is what gives me the eye for minutiae in the world, my keen sense of human nature and my compassion, but it is also what makes me nervous, and overly ready to think that people think the worst of me. It keeps me worried. I am working on these things. I need, I think, to find a new therapist and talk to someone. A good friend reflected back at me the other night that there are many factors contributing to my current state and perhaps I needed to pay some of them a bit more creedence than I do. And give myself more time for things to even out, and etc...you know what I'm going to say, since I'm pretty sure I always say the same thing.

Sometimes I feel like I have grown and evolved and learned a thing or two in my near 35 years, (ay yay yay), and sometimes I can't believe I haven't learned a damned thing. I always want thinking of things to mean they are automatically implemented. Alas, not so. I am realizing some things may take a lifetime to even come close to sinking in. Some things may continue to challenge me for 35 MORE years. So. Today is today and we'll see about tomorrow.

I know one thing for sure. And that is comedy. That is the only for sure thing right now.

Another friend told me that if I really felt I needed the edginess to be a better comic, fine, but that if I was edgy in my friendships I would regret it. Basically I feel like what she was saying was get happy or lose friends. Which, in the moment seemed true, but now is kind of pissing me off. Like, I am having a time of it, and that's how it is, and pushing me to be different isn't going to be effective. I need to go through this time. I know it. I realize it's not entirely pleasant for everyone all the time, me most of all, and that I am not my effervescent, makin' friends everywhere I go self, but...I don't know. People go through stuff. And if the friendships I have can't weather this transistion, then I don't really know what to do with them.

I am very torn about being alone vs. trying to make myself be with people. It seems like maybe it's an unhealthy cycle to just be by myself all the time in order to not foist my crap on people, but I think I need a little love, too, sometimes, but I also kind of want to be alone all the time, but etc...circles, circles.

I could use the hugs, though, I really could, even if it seems like I don't want them. It's just that they'll likely make me cry, because a lot of the time, that's what the edginess is - a monumental effort not to cry. I don't know any other way to keep the tears at bay.

I feel very, very strongly in my heart and in my gut that even though this time is so challenging, and a bit ugly, it's a very important time to pay attention. I have such a visceral feeling that if I work through what I'm supposed to work through right now the other side is going to be very, very rewarding. So, I guess I gotta do it my way and accept the consequences and rewards as they come. Because, inevitably there will be lots of each.

I'll leave you there, in an effort to get more than four hours sleep.

xo
r.