UPCOMING SHOWS

Seem to be having a slight hiatus this month. But keep checking, you know how I get restless.

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Ten minute misconduct.

I think the worst has passed. I seem to have stopped sobbing, so that's good. I went upstairs to make tea, which I was avoiding because I didn't want to sick myself in this state on my darling roomies. Anyway, they both came in the kitchen and hugged me while I cried. Oh oh. I may start again just writing about it. Had some peppermint tea and watched the Chappelle show and the Daily Show. I enjoyed those. Jon Stewart suspiciously left Bush alone tonight. Weird.

So here's the thing. I thought I should be alone in order to keep my shit off everyone's "to worry about" list. But alone, while usually in such short supply and so desperately desired by me, is maybe not the best thing right now. I was much calmer with Chris and Katrin in the room. I felt normalized. At least, I didn't feel like I'd do myself or someone else a harm. Now I'm back in my room, alone, and I feel the whole thing creeping up on me again.

I am trying not to be a whiny little crybaby, but I am feeling serious stress lately. I know I'm not living where it's war torn, or plagued by famine, disease or disastrous weather...but I'm all wound up anyway.

Did you see Tom Cruise on the Today show lipping off about how there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance and how psychiatry is a pseudo science that he doesn't believe in? I think he's imbalanced. It's not good for people to live so far removed from reality for so long that they think they know everything about everything because their movies make a lot of money. He's becoming a dangerous man. Run, Katie, run!

I'm hoping the worst of the self loathing is over. I'm hesitant to say "all better", because, you know, the stressors are all still in place. Firmly. But I think I'll make it through the night without wanting to evaporate. Uch. I'm puffy in the eye area and now having a crazy sneezing fit. I'm probably allergic to crying, or self pity.

God, I feel like crap. I can't wait to have enough money to pay my rent. Barf. That was me barfing from anxiety. I hate when I can't eat. Uh oh. I have five new emails. I bet they're from you guys, being nice. Thanks.

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I am an open wound.

Don't read this if you don't want to get upset.

Ok. This is as naked as it gets. I am a useless piece of shit. I can not take care of myself. I haven't eaten in two days. I have no desire to eat. Or bathe. I had to force myself to shower this morning. I am crying and crying. I am so grateful to my roomates for taking care of me this past year, but it's clearly taken it's toll on them. I'm not wearing my glasses right now, so if there are errors, put it down to blindness and tears. And snot.

I'm being glib and I don't feel one bit glib. I feel like dying. That's the most honest I can be right now. I see what my horoscope meant by out of control. I feel very out of control right now. I can't see my way clearly.

I feel like I can't enjoy enything, and that any laughter I have experienced lately has been forced. I completely don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to work. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to eat. I don't want to fuck. How can I not want to fuck? All I want to do is curl up and expire quietly. I wish I had a feeding tube in so someone could just take it out.

I'm sure this sounds drastic. But I feel low.

And angry.

And sad.

And so fucked up.

And helpless.

And deserted. I feel very deserted. Please don't take this personally, I know you love me....it's deeper than that.

I want someone to check me in somewhere. I don't even want to go to therapy. I don't know how to get anyone to understand that I need help, but I don't know what to ask for. I need my dad. I need to be held by my dad. This fucking sucks.

I feel like my heart is shrivelling up into a husk. Like the rosehip that falls off after the petals have all withered and dropped.

I don't think I should put anyone through living with me anymore.

I don't even want to try to get it right.

I wonder how much I would have to be held to feel better. Enough to make up for all the time I haven't been held. That's a lot of holding. Who would be willing to take that on? No one in their right mind, that's for sure. I can't breathe. I mean, my nose is full of snot, but I also feel like my chest is full of lead.

I've got to get out of here before I do something stupid. I'm sorry if I do something stupid. I'm not very smart right now.

Cookie Toss

Well, that was a lot of puking for one day. I don't know what happened, but a little while after I got home from work today I began to feel incredibly nauseous. Then, whammo. It was gross. I don't seem to have other symptoms, maybe I feel a little hot. I have to say, I was thinking, "Why am I getting sick so much?", but I think I've come to the conclusion that it's anxiety induced. I'm pretty wound up. I have a couple of things to sort out, I guess. We're all well aware of the money stress I feel, (could ya hear more about it more often? I must sound like a broken record.), but I have a couple of personal things going on that I was thinking about tonight, after I was nauseous but before I was sick, and when I thought about these personal issues, that's when I could really feel it in my stomach. Very clear message from my body. Sort it out.

The matters are hard for me to get into here, what with them involving people that I'd rather talk to before they read something about themselves. A very dear friend of mine inadvertantly, (at least I hope it was inadvertant, if not we got a whole other headache. Humph. Hadn't thought of that before. I must say, it just really cheered me up to say "humph". That IS fun.), anyway, he inadvertantly insulted my chosen career, my number one love. It was quite belittling, and I was a bit too taken aback to say anything. I think it's festering. I was going to just let it go, or save it up, probably...but I'd better have a talk with him. You can't find friends like him just anywhere. Hmph. Ha!

The other thing is that I heard that some other comedians were mad at me over the whole Robin Williams fifty dollars thing...it seems everybody told everybody, as did I, and somewhere along the line it got interpreted as my having bummed money off him. Which is gross. Apparently everyone is quite protective of his presence, as it is so good for the comedy scene here, and apparently he's been harassed in the past...but, listen up, people, we just had a bloody nice conversation. I was with him the way I am with any other comics, which makes me kind of insecure about what the other comics actually think of me. I didn't think it would stick with me, but it has. It's the first time I've felt anything other than total friendliness, support and encouragement. It's kind of like I was cute when I wasn't serious about comedy, but now that I am, it's a whole new ballgame. My relationships with comics has totally changed. It's too bad. Some of them I really, really like. I don't know. My relationship with myself has totally changed, too, so that's gotta be part of it. Maybe I'm less lugubrious than I used to be. I just wanna do what I wanna do, and fuck 'em if they don't like it. I think they maybe don't like that as much as me draping myself all over them. Huh. Neat.

I'm feeling curmudgeonly and put upon.

I need a lover, STAT.

Do you know, it's getting harder to tell my secrets on this thing? I'm so glad everyone reads it, but now that everyone reads it, I'm finding it much more challenging to be honest. But I'm trying very hard, because I think it's a big deal for me to reveal this much of myself. I'm loudmouth, and I like to get into scandalous detail, but I'd say my bravado in the past has largely been a buffer between what I thought people wanted to see and what I really am. But I'm getting a fuck of a lot comfier with who I really am, so it's healthy, I think, to let other people in on it. That felt good to say. This whole entry feels good to write. Mabye I'm not writing enough. Maybe...sheesh, OBVIOUSLY I'm not writing enough. I'm making myself sick with not writing enough.

Oh, you guys. Thanks for listening. I'm quite surprised how much people like to read this.

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